Loneliness and Fear of Rejection - Loneliness and Fear of Rejection

Written by Tom G. Stevens PhD

Factors Affecting my Fear of Being Alone
(The higher your "attachment," the higher your fear of rejection!)

The more emotionally "attached" you become to someone--the more important you believe they are to you--the more anxiety you will create about losing them. One of the best ways to control your fear of rejection is to not get overly attached to someone. The following factors are especially important sources of attachment that is too much, too soon.

1. HOW "SPECIAL" THE OTHER PERSON IS--the more you want to be wanted by them, the more anxiety it will cause. Many people develop a fantasy or script about what love should be like. For example many people expect to marry their "first love," or the person that they have called their "soul mate." Letting yourself develop and fantasize about the future with a person increases attachment and anxiety about the expectations or plans not coming true. Any little event that makes the plan seem likely makes you feel elated; any event that makes it seem unlikely makes you feel devastated. You can get on an emotional roller-coaster, dependent upon these little signs of success or failure in the relationship. You may then drive the person away by being too emotional or needy.

To prevent this emotional roller-coaster, don't develop the expectations prematurely. Don't fantasize and plan for the future prematurely. Always know that it may not work out and have alternative plans that you know you can be happy with.

2. BELIEVING ONLY ONE PERSON IS RIGHT FOR YOU vs. many are right. The fact is that many people who thought someone was the only person for them and thought their life was ruined because they could not be with that person later found someone else with whom they were much happier. Remind yourself that, no matter how much you may feel that is the only person for you, you can be wrong!

3. HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE IN YOUR ABILITY TO HELP CREATE A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
The less confident you are that you can create a happy relationship or get a person like you want, the more likely you are:

(1) to pick someone with whom you will not be satisfied. Or you may wait for others to approach you. People who tend to use or dominate you may be the very type of more outgoing people who will seek you. Then you may later wonder why you keep getting into relationships with people who don't treat you well. Learn to be active in the process of meeting others and getting involved in a relationship. Keep the initiation of mutual activities closer to a 50-50 level, and don't just go along for the ride when you are seeing red flags.

(2) to pick someone who "needs" you to take care of them, because they do not take care of themselves well. Frequently in a codependent relationship, the codependent partner believes his/her "weak" partner is so dependent upon them that they will not leave them. The codependent partner may also believe that he/she is not very attractive and believes he/she could not attract someone as attractive as this irresponsible partner if the other was not so needy. They are not willing to risk finding someone who is not needy, who would only want them for how much they enjoyed being with them.

They are afraid no one they would want would really be attracted to them or stay with them. If you are one of these people, it is important to test that assumption. You probably have many other desirable qualities another would love that you don't appreciate about yourself. See the section below on "stereotypes". Also, if you really believe that you do not know how to create fun and happiness for yourself, you may want to work on that. That could make a difference in attracting a more fun loving, happy person if that is the type of person you want.

4. SHARING EVENTS--ESPECIALLY CONVERSATIONAL AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Sharing life events increases attachment. Just being together in a variety of circumstances seems to build some degree of closeness. However, sharing important life events, sharing of one's innermost feelings and thoughts, and physical intimacy are powerful forces that can lead to very strong "attachment" (to the degree that these events are positive). If you have gained a high degree of intimacy, that is great! However, it does not mean that you can't find it with someone else. On the contrary, it means that you have learned how to be intimate, and your chances are very high that you can find at least that much intimacy again. Most often people move into better--not worse--relationships after one has ended.

SUMMARY: Some "do"s and "don't"s to keep from getting too attached too early.

• Constantly remind yourself, "I want to control my anxiety and fear of rejection. Don't get too attached too early."

• Question thoughts like, "This is the only person I can be happy with." · Don't fantasize about the future with this person.

• Avoid sexual involvement that is too early (before strong, reciprocal relationship factors are satisfactory).

• Don't focus all your thoughts and fantasies on this one person--especially before you have established a strong dating relationship. Fantasize about a variety of people (even movie stars, or imaginary people) so that you relate to this person as a real person--not as a fantasy.