Loneliness and Fear of Rejection - How Do You Attract a Person Who Is 'Right' for You?

Written by Tom G. Stevens PhD

HOW DO YOU ATTRACT A PERSON WHO IS "RIGHT" FOR YOU?

CREATING A HAPPY YOU CREATES A CONFIDENT, ATTRACTIVE YOU
Learning how to create your own happiness alone is a key part of building self-confidence and overcoming fears of rejection and loneliness. As long as you do not believe that you can create your own happiness and enjoy life alone, then you will be less confident and more dependent on others' creating your happiness. This dependence makes being in a relationship much more important, and therefore increases anxiety about being alone and increases fears of rejection. For example I have had many clients who thought they could only be happy if they get married and have a family. Yet some were fearing age would overtake their ability to have children, and no partner was in sight. They developed a terror of not having their happy family dream come true and living their lives alone. That fear caused a desperate need to marry. They became very "needy," manipulative, and scared potential partners away. As their desperation rose, their chances sank.

They escaped the catch by learning how to be at peace with the thoughts that they might never be married and might live alone the rest of their lives. They learned how to take care of themselves and how to be happy alone. The irony is that once they didn't need marriage so much, they were much more likely to get married. Because now they were less fearful and "needy" and more confident and relaxed.

How to become happier alone. If you don't have many interests which you enjoy alone, it is important to begin exploring and finding more. If you have few interests that you can do alone, because you have spent most of your life either with other people or doing what others wanted you to do, then it is especially important for your own independence that you explore new potential interests. You can learn to like activities you currently don't like. Remember this, if many other people love this activity there must be some fun in it. All you need to do is learn how to enjoy it.

• Many activities are difficult to enjoy until you have learned the basics about how to participate in them. Most sports are that way, but even music and the theater can take some time to appreciate. Don't give up easily. Give the new activity a chance over a reasonable period of time.

• Many people hate to do things alone, so they refrain from activities. A common reason is that they are afraid of what others will think about their coming alone. However, if you continue to do activities alone, you can eventually desensitize yourself to most of those fears.

• Career interests, sports, music and the arts, reading, entertainment events, hobbies, do-it-yourself projects, taking classes, walks, shopping, bike rides, or taking oneself out for dinner are but a few examples of activities people do to entertain themselves.

• Initiating activities with other people and joining organizations are examples of ways that you can create your own happiness with others without being in an exclusive relationship.

• Finally, if you are generally happy and enjoy life, your positiveness and happiness can help them be happier as well. And that will make you more attractive to anyone who wants to be happy themselves..

CREATING A HAPPY OTHER CREATES AN ATTRACTIVE YOU
You are attractive to another person to the degree that that person perceives you as potentially contributing to their happiness. You are not responsible for their happiness, you are only being yourself and giving gift of your presence and actions. You are only hoping these gifts will contribute to their happiness. Each person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness.

PRACTICE:1) List all of the characteristics you want in another person. 2) Make a "RELATIONSHIP RESUME" which describes all of your personal beliefs, attributes, interests, communication skills, which might be important in appealing to the type of person you wish to be with or marry. 3) If you want to better create your own happiness, add exploration of new interests to your "to do" list.