The feeling of wanting to die, of not wanting to be here, is the most overwhelming, most familiar feeling in my emotional inner landscape. Until I started doing my inner child healing I believed that who I really was at the deepest, truest part of my being, was that person who wanted to die. I thought that was the true 'me'. Now I know that is just a small part of me. When that feeling comes over me now I can say to that seven year old, "I am really sorry you feel that way Robbie. You had very good reason to feel that way. But that was a long time ago and things are different now. I am here to protect you now and I Love you very much. We are happy to be alive now and we are going to feel Joy today, so you can relax and this adult will deal with life.". . . .

"The integration process involves consciously cultivating a healthy, Loving relationship with all of my inner children so that I can Love them, validate their feelings, and assure them that everything is different now and everything is going to be all right. When the feelings from the child come over me it feels like my whole being, like my absolute reality - it isn't, it is just a small part of me reacting out of the wounds from the past. I know that now because of my recovery, and I can lovingly parent and set boundaries for those inner children so they are not dictating how I live my life. By owning and honoring all of the parts of me I now have a chance to have some balance and union within."

Column "Union Within" by Robert Burney

We need to be the Loving parent who can hear the child's voice within us.

We need to learn to be nurturing and Loving to the wounded parts of us.

We can do that by actually working on developing a relationship with those wounded parts of us. The first step is to open a dialog.

I believe that it is important to actually talk to the children inside of us.

To open communications in any way we can through talking to those parts of ourselves in a Loving way (which means also to stop calling ourselves names like stupid - when we do that we are abusing our inner children), right hand/left hand writing, painting and drawing, music, making collages, taking the child to the toy store, etc.

At first the child will probably not trust you - for many very good reasons. Eventually we can start building trust. If we will treat ourselves with one tenth as much compassion as we would an abused puppy who came into our care - we would be Loving ourselves much more that we have been.

"As long as we are judging and shaming ourselves we are giving power to the disease. We are feeding the monster that is devouring us.

We need to take responsibility without taking the blame. We need to own and honor the feelings without being a victim of them.

We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control.

And they are not supposed to be abused and abandoned. We have been doing it backwards. We abandoned and abused our inner children. Locked them in a dark place within us. And at the same time let the children drive the bus - let the children's wounds dictate our lives."

It is very important to nurture ourselves out of the Loving adult in ourselves - the one who understands delayed gratification.

It is the wounded child in us that wants instant gratification.

We need to set boundaries for the wounded part of us that wants to go unconscious or indulge in things which are abusive in the long run.

"The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting so badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes, relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep us separate so the we don't set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are worthy and lovable."

Column "A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse" by Robert Burney

next: Internal Boundaries: The Key to Spiritual Integration of Emotional Balance