Nelson Mandela

(I have since heard from several sources that Marianne Williamson actually wrote this.)

Of course that amazingly wise and wonderful woman is also very wounded .  As with all of us, her relationship with herself is shattered and fractured.  She has an amazing, powerful wise woman teacher within her who has taught me so much.  She has a wild wolf woman in her that would howl and dance naked in the full moon if she hadn't been so wounded by the Catholic Church and all the other physical/sexual imbalance of this sexist, sexually abusive, patriarchal society. She has a wondrous Loving heart with so much to give - and I got to experience how sublime it can feel to Truly feel Loved by her for a short time - but she also has the Romantic in her who has caused her to be wounded greatly and when she got scared she threw that Romantic into an inner dungeon and slammed the vault closed on her heart.  I think it was the physical connection that really terrified her.  It was excruciating, exquisite ecstasy to touch each other and when this musician affirmed to me that I was playing her body like a musical instrument it set off her alarms.

All her fears about losing herself in a relationship surfaced.  Her fear of being a victim of the Romantic yearning within her - "I don't believe that stuff anymore"; of the power of the animal sensuality that would be unleashed because of her own sexual deprivation due to the relationship phobia that had kept her isolated most of her life; really terror, of being emotionally needy and vulnerable - growing up in her family being vulnerable was not a safe place to be so she got tough; her absolute lack of any permission to be dependent on, or ask for help from, anyone, anytime; of a man who could cry and be emotionally vulnerable with her, who allowed her to be afraid and was willing to listen as she talked her way through it; of a man who maybe was too nice, too Loving, too vulnerable, too happy to be with her; of her fear of being smothered and taken hostage.

So the part of her that has been her defender came out.  The raging counter dependent who set boundaries with a harshness bordering on cruelty.  The Loving friend disappeared and was replaced by someone who was always on guard, always defensive.

Here is something that I wrote on January 24, 1999 the day after I saw her last:

"It looks like my friendship with what I originally thought was my twin soul may be over.  I have had to set a boundary and remove myself from her life.  She was stuck feeling like a victim of her issues with men and victimizing me out of her fear and hurt - so I got to tell her that I deserved to be treated better than that and that until she was ready to work through instead of run away from the issues I was exiting.  Sad really - also really good that I am so clear now that I deserve better and will not allow such treatment.  Very big deal for me to not sacrifice myself in the now for the potential of the future - doesn't work to hang on to the dream when reality is not working.

So I am feeling very sad about her being out of my life - but feeling great Joy about all the wonderful gifts I received from knowing her.  This was the first time that I have entered into a relationship - and exited also - without my self-esteem being involved.  What freedom!!!  I knew who I was going in and the events that unfolded only made me stronger and better - there was never any threat to me, to my self worth - really cool.  This is truly a new and different way to do relationship - I might even try it again sometime soon. "

We opened our hearts to each other and had a magnificent connection - then she got scared and started running away - but I didn't have to close my heart down because of her leaving.  It was obvious to the people at the workshops I just did the new heart level that I am at - several had been to 3 or 4 of my workshops before and they kept going for the Kleenex because my openness and vulnerability was touching them so deeply.  I am very grateful for this person and the experience of Love that I had with her - it was an incredible opportunity for growth.  It is also very sad and I cry every day for the loss of that connection.  I see this incredibly powerful wise woman that she is - unfortunately she can't own that because she is in her disease reacting to fear, right and wrong thinking ('maybe it was a mistake!!!' - such bull shit), guilt and shame, pain from old wounds, and really just a terror of making another mistake - instead of accepting that it is all perfect and being able to let go completely in the moment.

And of course it was a perfect part of her process that she did what she thought she needed to take care of herself, to not lose herself.  And it was perfect for my process that she pulled away - if she had not I would never have experienced that it was possible to retain the level of Love even when my worst fear came true and she did go away.

I learned so much from my interaction with her - the "relationship" as in romantic part of it basically lasted about 2 weeks from the first time she told me she Loved me (10 days from 1st passionate kiss to last passionate kiss - no actually sex per se, but much of what felt to me like making Love [making Love, to me, not being about a destination but rather about the quality of the Touching]) - and that 2 weeks was the most incredible, most successful, most wonderful relationship of my life.  I felt more Love & Loved in those 2 weeks than in the entire first 50 years of my life.

So, there is pain but there is much more Joy and gratitude.  It Truly is a completely different experience to have a relationship where my self-worth is not at risk - that is the pay off for the Spiritual belief system that says we can't screw it up and there is no shame - if my self-worth is not at risk then another person can only add to me, they have no power to diminish me.  What a gift."

Now, I need to just go on with my life and if she decides to open up to me then she will call.  It is pretty strange because the Universe actually lead me to do a couple of things (a visit and phone call) that I am sure appeared to her to be her fears about me needing her too much coming true.  It is so ironic and sad too - but at the time in my life when I am the most free and healthy - when I am being less codependent than I even knew it was possible to be in a relationship - she thinks I am giving her too much power.  Never have I been so clear that I don't need someone in my life - though I sure want her to be a part of my life.  Never have I felt so strong and powerful and centered in myself - and what she thinks she sees is someone who might be too dependent and needy, clingy, which is a reflection of the part of herself that she is most terrified of surrendering to owning.  She loves and hates that I can be vulnerable - and she is too terrified to surrender to being vulnerable now because she doesn't trust herself.

So I get to Let Go, and Let Go and Let Go again.