Relationships and Assertiveness

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

An explanation of assertiveness and how a lack of assertiveness can be damaging to yourself and your work and personal relationships. Plus, learn how to become more assertive.

Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way? Is it difficult for you to express your positive or negative feelings openly and honestly? Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at others who don't warrant it? A "yes" answer to any of the above questions may be an expression of a common problem known as "lack of assertiveness."

What is Assertiveness?

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Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is self-enhancing and expressive. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends. It can increase your chances for honest relationships, and help you to feel better about yourself and your self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, will improve your decision-making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you really want from life.

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). However, before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

• The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.
• The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions — and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
• The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
• The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
• The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
• The right to ask for information or help — without having negative feelings about your needs.
• The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically — with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
• The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.
• The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly — and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
• The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.

When you don't believe you have these rights — you may react very passively to circumstances and events in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than your own, you are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.