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Problems in Relationships |
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Page 2 of 2
"It would be easier to start over with someone else."
Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both built up lies. Some big ones but mostly small ones. They're not blatant lies, but mostly unspoken thoughts and feelings. The intentions behind the lies were to protect yourself and your partner from pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and you can't talk openly and honestly about them because you've already established a certain pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably easier to just start fresh with a new partner. One where you could be yourself without fear.
Useful Questions:
- Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that? (Read more about how honesty affects relationships)
- Get clear on what you've lied about to your partner. What would happen if you shared what you learned? What is the worst that would happen? Are you capable of handling that? Why or why not?.
- Figure out what you're afraid would happen if you were honest with them about those issues.
- Talk to your partner about your concerns of being TOTALLY honest. Keep the focus on YOUR feelings and not their behavior.
- Muster up the courage to tell them what you've lied about. Repeat to yourself, "No matter what happens, I will be okay."
"If you loved me you would....."
Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true.
Useful Questions:
- Do your expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy? If so, why?
- Do you expect your partner to conform to your wants? What does it mean when they don't?
- Do you have preset rules in your love relationships? If so, what are they and why?
- Do you find yourself often saying “he should” or “she should”?
- Do you have any “If you loved me you would...[fill in the blank]'s”? If so, what are they?
- Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you to do? Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they wanted? Could it be the same with your partner?
- Do you use another’s words and actions as “evidence or proof” that they love you?. If your partner does that thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't, is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why?
- Understand everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs about what it means to be loving.
- Be Honest
- Examine what expectations you DO have, then openly discuss them with your partner. Find out what theirs are.
next: The Ways We Fight
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Last Updated( Jun 01, 2009 )
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reviewed by: Harry Croft, MD
Psychiatrist, HealthyPlace.com Medical Director
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