Relationship 'Slump Busters' - Children as an Excuse to Not Work on You or Your Relationship'

Written by Larry James

Got Kids? - Never use your children as an excuse to not work on you or your relationship. While it is true that you have an awesome responsibility to care for your children, if you put them first and you last, I suggest that there may be some confusion about your priorities. If you forget to take care of you, you are not leading by example. It's important to be a good example for your kids.

Some will tell you to never air your disagreements in front of your kids. I disagree. Children are much smarter than we give them credit. They know when you have misunderstandings and arguments.

When your children witness an argument, reassure them that it is not their fault. Demonstrate to them that parents can be angry and still love each other while they are finding solutions to their problems. The skill of teachingfair fighting or at least keeping the decibels at a reasonable level when expressing your concerns is key.

However. . . always arguing and raising your voices in front of the children is inappropriate. Most high-level disagreements should be out of hearing range of the kids. Strive for balance. Your home is a school. What are you teaching your children?

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Reward Your Partnership for Doing the Right Thing - Stay on track. Do what's right. Do unto your partner what you would have them do unto you. Indulge in honoring your combined efforts. Buy your partnership a trophy from a trophy shop. Have it engraved. Present it to each other in your very own private ceremony where you renew your promise to each other to continue to work together.

Dazzle Your Partner Unexpectedly - Predictability breeds boredom. Be spontaneous. Do something completely out of character. Send a mushy greeting card for no reason. Suddenly stop beside the road, pick a wild flower, hand it to your partner and say, "I love you!" and be on your way. If you are annoyed because your partner spends too much time watching football, surprise him and watch the game with him. Pop some popcorn and bring his favorite beverage on a tray. Light some candles in the bathroom and treat her to a warm bubble bath followed by a 20-minute foot message. Use your imagination.

Romantically impaired? Read, 1001 Ways to Be Romantic by Greg Godek.

Let There Be Light - Don't take life or yourself so seriously. Lighten up! There will be screw-ups and breakdowns. Roll with the punches. If you make a mistake, don't let it get you down. Acknowledge the mistake, take corrective action and continue moving forward. Poke fun at yourself, but never at your partner. That's their job. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Smile often.

Tackle Talk - Communicate. It is often most difficult to restart this process. AND it is the most important way to contribute to your relationship. If you have both been shut down. . . recommit to opening up to each other. Not talking can cause a serious disconnect from the one you say you love. My wife and I made an agreement before we were married. We agreed to talk about anything and everything, all the time. It has been the most important agreement and also the most difficult agreement to keep. Without an agreement in place, neither partner has a promise to communicate.

Talk the Talk - Instead of speaking only of what has been. . . revise your way of speaking about what you want and need in your relationship today. Pour all of your energy into speaking only good words about your relationship. So many times I hear partners speaking to their friends in a negative way about their partner. It you cannot say something good about them, it is better to say nothing at all. If you speak or think only of the problem, hopelessness and despair, you will get more of that.

Weigh your words. 500 of the most commonly used English words have 13,000 meanings. Choose your words carefully. They become your reality. Wherever your attention is centered, your thoughts will focus, and since action follows thought, the things you keep looking at and speaking about are going to determine what you will experience. Your relationship lives on the tip of your tongue.

Never say things to your partner that you know will trigger past bad experiences. To do so is antagonistic and just plain stupid. In this scenario, remember, a closed mouth gathers no foot.

Make an effort everyday to tell your partner how much you appreciate them. Talk tenderly. Use terms of endearment, like "Honey," "Sweetie," "Baby," etc. Say "thank you." On the way to the office? Say "Goodbye, sweetheart" instead of just "Goodbye." Whisper sweet nothings! Act loving toward each other daily and you will feel more loving toward your partner.

I hate the term "Fake it till you make it," however it's true that when you begin to visibly act more enthusiastic about your relationship, the enthusiasm is contagious. Talking the talk is one thing. Speak only good of your partner to yourself, to your partner and to others. Only good. Walking the walk should also be a high priority.

Nurture your partner with words of love, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. Nurture: To nourish, educate, grow or develop; cultivate.

Planet Positions Got You Spaced Out? - Let go of having to "be right!" Healthy, full functioning couples find happiness is sharing their differences instead of being indifferent to them. They discover happiness in discussing, in a loving way, areas of mutual concern. It's true! Men and women are truly different, AND there are similarities.

Healthy couples identify problems, talk openly and honestly about their differences and choose workable solutions. Integrate your mutual intentions for a healthy, happy relationship or the relationship will evaporate.

Even though it may appear that you are from different planets because you share so little in your communication, it is possible for you to lay down your ray guns, seek peace and choose to travel in the same orbit, working together to celebrate your differences in ways that mutually benefit the relationship. Always remember: If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!

Straight Shooting - Trust is the foundation of a healthy love relationship and it must be earned. Make an agreement to only allow truthful disclosure in your relationship. Not telling the truth about how you feel, only telling part of the story, withholding your wants and needs to your partner slowly erodes the trust in your relationship. Without trust there can be no effective communication; without effective communication there can be no genuine intimacy. Never lie to your partner. Honesty always wins.

Push the Envelope - Develop a mutual incentive that will assist you in motivating each other to be the best you can be. Be inventive in providing the kind of reward that can be your inspiration to continue the process. Never stop. NEVER! Have the incentive be bigger than you can imagine and something you can both be excited about, something that will call forth the extra effort required to get you both back in the groove. How about a romantic getaway in the mountains for a long weekend? Use your imagination.