Empathic listening gets inside your partner's frame of reference. You begin to see the relationship the way they see it, you understand their paradigm, and you begin to understand how they feel. It is human nature to want to work with, not against, someone who understands you.

Being inattentive indicates a lack of interest in what your partner is saying and possibly the relationship. Pay attention. This you must do for this process to work.

Listening must also be intentional. When you are not intentional about listening, you only hear about half of the conversation, if that much. It would be wise to assume that one-sided conversations do not work. Intentional listening can only be effective and only occurs when you listen without expectations of what will be said and without judgment of what was said or for what reason it was said.

To be a committed, empathic, intentional and thoughtful listener is to demonstrate a high degree of respect for your partner. Good communication is not about allowing your relationship to function on autopilot; it's about being intentional about saying what needs to be said and listening thoughtfully to what is spoken.

Practice this process and not only will your communication methods be improved, but the content of your messages will get better too. You will learn to talk with - not "to" - each other more clearly and effectively.

This process does not allow you to talk when it's your partner's time to talk. You have nothing to say, nothing to fix, no denials, no justifications, no answering, no explaining, no nothing. You only listen.

No smirks that may signify belittlement or disagreement. Facial gestures and not looking into the eyes of your partner are inappropriate. If you can only say, "Hmmmm," "Say more about that," "What else?" without an attitude, then do it. Otherwise, it is much better to say nothing.

The purpose of saying nothing is to honor your partner's right to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen. Show respect.

When listening, resist the urge to formulate your own rebuttal to what your partner is saying. This will only inhibit your ability to truly hear what is being said. Pay attention. Put aside your own personal beliefs, judgments, evaluations and notions about what is being said.

It's okay to take an occasional note while your partner is talking if you need to remember to spend some time thinking about a particular point or to let them know how you feel about it when it is your turn to talk.

Identify the distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from your partner's own perspective. It's called empathy.

Your own viewpoint may be different and you may not necessarily agree with your partner, but as you listen, you begin to gain a better understanding of the feelings of your partner.

The only thing you get to say comes after your partner concludes and that is:

"I listened carefully to what you said and I appreciate the opportunity to only listen. I will continue to do my best to be a better listener. Thank you. I love you."

This acknowledges that you were listening.

After you both have had some time to absorb the information your partner has presented, it will be time for you to both talk and both listen and reach some workable solutions.

When both of you have had your turn speaking, you must agree to get together to mutually discuss solutions to the issues you have together. Think about what your partner communicated to you.

Step #3 - Have a mutual, low decibel level, interactive conversation:

If you have appreciated being listened to by your partner, then the first time you both enter into a two-way conversation about your issues, it will be different than previous conversations, hopefully more on target, with an intention to work together.

No raising of voices. Be calm and collected. No "shooting or shouting matches!" It's about mutual respect.

This is also a time to ask for clarification if you did not fully understand any of your partner's comments. Do your best to reach some agreeable solutions about your top two or three issues. Do not attempt to fix all your issues in one session.

When you cannot find an alternative solution that you can agree on, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.

Look at all options. There is never only one solution to every problem. Do your best to translate the big picture into specific actions that you can mutually agree upon. A common mistake is focusing too much on what you might lose and not enough on what you both could gain.

You will most likely need to schedule more time to talk over remaining issues as well. You also may need to schedule additional time to be listened to. I recommend that you do this process more than once to get accustomed to treating your partner with respect when they have something to say.

Two-way communication breaks down when either partner fails to communicate in return or when one partner holds on to being "right" about their position without any regard for the happiness of the relationship.

If you experience a break down during the conversation and it deteriorates because both of you become so emotionally distraught over an issue that neither of you can effectively function, declare a "time-out."

If you want to doom this process to failure, keep talking when you are angry. That doesn't work! Agree to cool off, and come back to talk the next day. It's important to decide on a time to continue.

If no resolution can be reached, perhaps it will be time to schedule a relationship coaching appointment to have a third-party assist in negotiating the situation.