Trapped energy causes you to cling to misconceptions about your relationship. This process will help you convert painful emotional energy into powerful energy you can use to move your relationship forward. Once the precious energy that was trapped as a painful experience becomes free, it can then be expressed as forgiveness, goodness, beauty and love.

Attitude is everything. Begin with the right frame of mind. You must approach this process as two equal partners working together to solve a problem.

Flip a coin to see who goes first. If possible, choose a time when things seem to be going rather smoothly, no lingering disagreements in the air, no anger. Arrange to meet in a quiet place where there will be no interruptions.

Be very clear about the "just listen" part of this process. One night "she" talks and "he" only listens and the next night "he" talks and "she" only listens. Bring some notes to keep you from getting lost, forgetting your point or the intention of the process.

What issues are relevant to your relationship - really relevant? Speak the relevant truth. What is important to your relationship right now? The answer to these questions will assist you in only speaking about what affects your relationship currently. To bring up irrelevant past issues is inconsistent with this process.

It's time to openly and honestly communicate by telling the truth about what has been missing in your relationship that has brought you to this point in time.

Before you begin, ask yourself this question: "Do you want to be right or happy?" Privately address each issue with the question, "Will this be important to me tomorrow, next week, next month?" "Is it all that important in the whole scheme of things?" Once you have answered these questions honestly, you will then know what issues are truly important and the order of their importance.

Step #1 - When it's your turn to talk:

Begin by telling your partner how much you love them. Be sincere.

Let them know how you are feeling about being in a relationship with them. Make your comments germane to the issues you present. Be specific, not general about how you feel. This is your opportunity to really be heard, don't leave anything out.

Choose your words carefully and say them in a loving way. It's okay to come with notes so you won't forget anything. You may even want to rehearse a bit by first writing down how you really feel, then edit your notes to be sure you don't use this opportunity to attack your partner, but only express how you feel.

Clarify your feelings. Don't be accusatory about your upset. Begin by presenting the issues that have caused the most difficulty like this:

"When you (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank)."

This is important. By saying it this way, you avoid blaming your partner for anything; you shift the emphasis to your feelings. There is a big difference. Your comments are not about them or what is wrong with them, but about how you are feeling. Owning your feelings is more truthful and always less hurtful to your partner. This helps open the door to clearer and more productive communications with your partner.

When using "I" messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. It also may prevent your partner from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated.

No one can argue with your feelings. They are your feelings and you get to choose them. "You" messages begin the "blame game." Avoid this deadly game like the plague.

Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling.

You can also change your mind about how you feel. That is also only and always your choice.

If your partner is guilty of doing things that need to be forgiven, this is the time to offer forgiveness. You may want to ask for forgiveness too. Offer this as part of your opportunity to share. Read: "Forgiveness... What's it For?"

Do not make your message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many other issues. Although there is no time limit, it is not wise to drone on and on for hours. Thirty minutes to one hour is appropriate.

In closing, present a list of 10 things you love about your partner and make it part of the conversation. When you have said what you need to say, reassure your partner that you do love them and would like for both of you to continue to work together to communicate better.

Lovingly express to your partner how it felt to have them be a committed listener. You might say:

"Thank you for listening to how I feel about our relationship. It feels good to know that you care enough to hear what I have to say. Thank you. I love you."

Give them a hug and do not have any further conversation together about it that night.

Step #2 - When it's your turn to only listen:

Communication is the singular activity we all share. Expressing our needs, wants, thoughts, feelings and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us.