The metaphor of "life as a movie", gaining control by "writing a scenario" or by "inventing a narrative" is, therefore, not a modern invention. Cavemen narcissists have, probably, done the same. But this is only the external, superficial, facet. The problem is that the narcissist FEELS this way. He really experiences his life as belonging to someone else, his body as dead weight (or as an instrument in the service of some entity), his deeds as a-moral and not immoral (he cannot be judged for something that he hasn't done, can he?). As time passes, the narcissist accumulates a mountain of mishaps, conflicts unresolved, pains well hidden, abrupt separations and bitter disappointments. He is subjected to a constant barrage of social criticism and condemnation. He is ashamed and fearful. He knows that something is wrong but there is no correlation between his cognition and his emotions. He prefers to run away and hide, as he did when he was an infant. Only this time he hides behind another self, the false one. People reflect to him this mask of his creation, until even he believes its very existence and acknowledges its dominance, until he forgets the truth and knows no better. The narcissist is only dimly aware of the decisive battle, which rages inside him. He feels threatened, very sad, suicidal - but there seems to be no outside cause of all this and it makes it even more mysteriously ominous.

This dissonance, these negative feelings, these nagging anxieties, transform the "motion picture" solution into a permanent one. It becomes a feature of the narcissist's life. Whenever confronted by an emotional threat or by an existential one - he retreats into this haven, this mode of coping. He relegates responsibility, submissively assuming the passive role of "the one acted upon". He who is not responsible cannot be punished - runs the subtext of this capitulation. The narcissist is thus classically conditioned to annihilate himself - both in order to avoid (emotional) pain and to bask in the light of his grandiose dreams. This he does with fanatic zeal and with efficacy. Prospectively, he assigns his very life (decisions to be made, judgements to be passed, agreements to be reached) to the False Self. Retroactively, he interprets his past life in a manner consistent with the current needs of the False Self. It is no wonder that there is no connection between what the narcissist did feel in a given period in his life, or in relation to a specific event or happening - and the way he sees or remembers these later on in his life. He describes certain occurrences or periods in his life as "tedious, painful, sad, burdening" - even though he felt entirely differently at the time. The same retroactive colouring occurs with regards to people. The narcissist completely distorts the way he regarded certain people and felt towards them. His inclination is directly and fully derived from the requirements of his False Self during the process of recasting and re-writing.

In sum, the narcissist does not occupy his own soul, nor does he inhabit his own body. He is the servant of an apparition, of a reflection, of an Ego function. To please and appease his Master, the narcissist sacrifices to it his very life. From that moment onwards, the narcissist lives vicariously, through the good offices of the False Self. He feels detached, alienated and estranged from his (False) Self. He constantly harbours the sensation that he is watching a movie with a plot of which he has but little control. It is with certain interest - even bemusement, fascination - that he does the watching. Still, watching it is and only that. The narcissist also engages in permanent Orwellian alterations to the emotional content, which accompanied certain events and people in his life. He re-writes his emotional history according to instructions emanating from the False Self. Thus, not only does the narcissist lose control of his future life (the movie) - he is gradually losing ground to the False Self in the battle to preserve the integrity and genuineness of his past experiences. Eroded between these two poles, the narcissist gradually disappears and is replaced by his disorder to the most complete extent.

next: The Misanthropic Altruist (Philanthropy as Sadistic Narcissism)