We can, therefore talk about three "basic" types of narcissists:

1. The offspring of neglecting parents
   They resort to narcissism as the predominant object relation (with themselves as the exclusive object).

1. The offspring of doting or domineering parents (often narcissists themselves)
   They internalized these voices in the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature superego, and spend their lives trying to be perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and to be judged "a worthy success" by these parent-images.

1. The offspring of abusive parents
   They internalize the abusing, demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their lives in an effort to elicit "counter-voices" from their human environment and thus to extract a modicum of self esteem and to regulate their sense of self worth.

All three types are doomed to eternal, recursive, Sisyphean failure.

Shielded by their protective shells (defence mechanisms) they constantly gauge reality wrongly, their actions and reactions become more and more rigid and ossified and the damage inflicted by them on themselves and on others ever greater. This damage is what my book is all about.

4. Narcissists and Women

The narcissist does regard the "subjugation" of an attractive woman to be a source of narcissistic supply.

It is a status symbol, proof of virility and masculinity and it allows him to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic behaviours (=being a narcissist through others, transforming others into tools at the service of his narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification. Many of my FAQs and the essay are dedicated to these issues.

Primary NS is ANY kind of NS provided by others who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others. Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests - are all forms of NS.

Secondary NS is afforded by people who are in CONSTANT, repetitive or continuous touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others.

The narcissist believes that being in love IS going through the motions and pretending to some degree. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.

5. Narcissists and their Ex's

There are two possible reactions:

The Ex "belongs" to the narcissist. She is an inseparable part of his Pathological Narcissistic Space. This possessive streak is not terminated with the official, physical, separation. Thus, the narcissist is likely to respond with rage, seething envy, a sense of humiliation and invasion and violent-aggressive urges to separation, especially since it implies a "failure" on his part and, thus negates his grandiosity.

But there is a second possibility:

If the narcissist were to firmly believe (which is very rare) that the ex does not and will never represent any amount, however marginal and residual, of any kind (primary or secondary) of narcissistic supply - he will remain utterly unmoved by anything she does and anyone she may choose to be with.

If you don't supply - you don't exist.

There is a lot more on these issues here.

6. Narcissists Victimize

"Classical, full fledged" narcissists victimize. Nothing evil here, nothing premeditated, no sinister grins. Simply an absentminded, offhanded, kind of indifference and lack of empathy. And a lot of hurt people.

On balance I (a narcissist) prefer to help the victims. They are far numerous and far more hurting. And I have done far too much to add to their numbers. This is my way of trying to make amends, I guess.

To me, women are either holy or whole. If holy, how could I dare contaminate them with sex, impinge upon their purity and saintliness with my bestial passions and infringe upon their perceived "aloofness" and "above the (sexual) fray status" with my demands.

If whore, sex with them must be impersonal, mildly sado-maso, somewhat autoerotic and devoid of every emotion.

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 10