Infants and Abuse - Excerpts Part 8 - BPD and Narcissism

Written by Sam Vaknin

Pathological Narcissism is what the DSM says it is simply because the DSM (and the ICD) define our terminology. It would have been very difficult to communicate meaningfully otherwise. We can stretch the definition of narcissism somewhat but we cannot include in it traits which are the absolute opposite of narcissism. A new title would then be called for (Maybe "Inverted Narcissism"?).

Narcissists do try to merge with an idealized but badly internalized object. They do so by "digesting" the meaningful others in their lives and transforming them into extensions of their selves. They employ various techniques to achieve this. To the "digested" this is the crux of the harrowing experience called "living with a narcissist".

The narcissist has a badly regulated sense of self-worth. However this is not conscious. He goes through cycles of self-devaluation (and experiences them as dysphorias).

Narcissism MUST include a component of active and conscious grandiose self-image. Some narcissists punish themselves by self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors - but if they actively avoid narcissistic supply, they are not narcissists. There is a host of other PDs which incorporate this criterion (social phobia, schizoid PD and many others), though.

The narcissistic dissonance exists on two levels:

1. Between the UNCONSCIOUS feeling of lack of stable self worth and the grandiose fantasies
   AND
2. Between the grandiose fantasies and reality (the Grandiosity Gap).

If someone thinks that he is not unique - then he can never be defined as a narcissist. The word "narcissist" is taken - a new word must be found. But a sense of worthlessness is typical of many other PDs (AND the feeling that no one could ever understand them).

Narcissists are never empathic. They are attuned to others in order to optimize the extraction of narcissistic supply from them.

Because narcissists are unwilling to change - they are take it or leave it propositions. There is little point in trying to "convert" them through the application of love, compassion, or empathy.

Those who are attracted to narcissists must suffer from an underlying mental problem (though I do not think that two narcissists are likely to get along well together).

But there is no denying that some people do get attracted to narcissists - even if they are warned IN GREAT DETAIL as to what is a narcissist and what it is to share a life with one.

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 9