Infants and Abuse - Excerpts Part 8

Written by Sam Vaknin

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 8

1. Do Infants Trigger their Own Abuse?
2. Narcissism, Wife Beating and Alcoholism
3. Disinterested Narcissists
4. Superego
5. Emotional Daltonism
6. Atheism
7. The Human Machine
8. Conscience
9. BPD and NPD
10. The Personality Disordered
11. Robert Hare
12. Accusing the Victims
13. Multiple Diagnoses and NPD

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1. Do Infants Trigger their Own Abuse?

It is conceivable that certain infants are born with a genetic propensity NOT to attach to the mother (I won't use "caregiver" or "primary object"). Could it be that this PROVOKES abuse/neglect by the mother?

Other infants are born DIFFERENT. For instance, how would a mother cope emotionally with an exceptionally gifted or handicapped child? What about physical defects? These children are "alien", threatening - especially to teen mothers or inexperienced ones (or culturally conditioned ones).

Perhaps children TRIGGER the treatment that they receive in certain cases?

This sounds a lot like shifting the blame to the victim (a classic with rape victims).

I am NOT trying to justify abuse or neglect. There is no justification or mitigating circumstances for abuse, even in the case of the abuser's mental illness.

But we are very far from deciphering the delicate and intricate mechanisms that bind infants to objects and later, to meaningful others. Attachment is still mysterious.

Over the years I had the chance to hear from HUNDREDS of mothers the following:

1. Children are BORN with distinct "characters" (they mostly used the term "personalities" which is going too far, of course). Many mothers insist that - from the third or fourth postnatal day - they could tell if a child is obstinate, temperamental, mentally alert or intelligent, possessive and envious (and many other traits).

1. As a result, these mothers concluded that children are IMMEDIATELY distinguishable from one another.

1. This leads to different treatment and emotional investment accorded to each child, even in the same family and by the same mother and under similar social, cultural and economic circumstances.

There are two possibilities to relate to this common claim:

1. (Cultural, societal, or personal) prejudice and bias (of the mothers), or

1. Part truth. In which case, it is interesting why this very important observation by mothers has been largely ignored hitherto.

2. Narcissism, Wife Beating and Alcoholism

Issue number one: is narcissism equivalent to alcoholism, wife beating and stealing?

Absolutely not. Narcissism is a personality structure. Wife beating and stealing are specific behaviors. "Personality" is a MUCH wider concept.

Issue number two: does this absolve the narcissist of responsibility?

The narcissist is responsible for most of his actions because he can tell right from wrong. He simply doesn't care enough about other people to restrain or modify his behaviour. There's more in the archives and in my FAQs.