Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 7

1. Can Narcissists be Cured?
2. My Shame
3. Luring a Narcissist
4. The Enemy
5. Victim or Survivor?
6. Narcissists as Drug Addicts
7. Alexander Lowen
8. NPDs and other PDs
9. Incest without Sex?
10. NPD and DID
11. Plasticity
12. A Core of Values?
13. Licensing Parents (continued)
14. Nations as Patients
15. Narcissistic Myths

1. Can Narcissists be Cured?

Narcissists can rarely be cured. A fact. In the early 1980's therapists thought otherwise (Lowen, 1983). They were wrong. Now we have epidemiology and statistics. Therapists have been fooled by smart narcissists and most narcissists are smart and chameleon- or Zelig- like, so they learn how to deceive the therapist. You can see it very often in prison.

Why fight windmills? As in Judo, I use my weaknesses and the enemy's strengths against it.

I am saying: "I have tendencies that hurt people. Very bad. I will find ways to use these very tendencies to help people. Very good".

2. My Shame

I envy you for being able to identify the exact sources and realms of your shame.

My shame was all-pervasive. I virtually drowned in it, suffocating, suffused by it. I was not only ashamed at my incompetence (athletic, social). I was ashamed at my body, deficiencies, lack of social skills. I was ashamed at my parents, my neighbourhood, my ethnic background, my socio-economic status, the quality of my possessions. I was pathologically envious as a result and I started on my way to full blown NPD because of this shame (and abuse/trauma).

I remember the exact moments and dynamics of overcoming my shame. I consciously developed my personality disorder, it seems to me in retrospect. My grandiose fantasies were first elaborated cognitively and then assimilated (emotionally?). I invested a great effort at mimicking others to the point of becoming indistinguishable from them. Like a Trojan horse my aim was first to penetrate the walls of shame, so that later I would be able to feed my entitlement, my grandiosity and to impose my idiosyncrasies on others from the inside.

I still am a believer in the transforming power of shame and in its central role in the formation of personality disorders. I think it is not only an integral but a crucial part of any childhood abuse.

I can't discuss the sociological dimensions much. But from corresponding with literally thousands of self-designated and expertly-diagnosed narcissists and with their victims I can safely identify the role of shame in the psychodynamics of pathological narcissism.

3. Luring a Narcissist

Narcissists are drug addicts and the name of the drug is narcissistic supply (NS). Give a narcissist NS and he will do ANYTHING for it. Now, you must be creative and think HOW and WHAT can you offer to him. Also, can you fake, WILL you fake? You can tell him you need him, for instance. This is very pure NS, it is gratifying. In the personal, fantastic mythology of the narcissist, this is olympic victory over the bad, humiliating guy (you). You can make him a collaborator in a "conspiracy". There is any number of ways to make a deal with a narcissist. Your currency in the transaction is his NS.