5. Narcissists and the Order of the World

We are conditioned to believe in law, order, justice, cause and effect, and a host of other principles which make our mental world inhabitable. The narcissist replicates the treatment that he received earlier in life. He is unduly and destructively critical, arbitrary, capricious, sadistic and fluctuates between TOTAL idealization and TOTAL devaluation with no apparent cause.

Sometimes we try to decipher the patterns even in a natural catastrophe. We ask who is to blame, why, who is responsible. We address God, Nature, Science, the Government. A narcissist is a natural catastrophe brought about by a human being. We have an identifiable person, entity to blame. And we demand to know why. Until we are satisfied that the world is a safe, predictable place - how can we continue to live in it? This is the "achievement" of the narcissist: to demonstrate to us that there is no justice, or order, that there are no laws, it's all an arbitrary and cruel game. We have to cope with this (his) worldview, not only with him.

6. Devaluing the Significant Other

Regarding women with whom the narcissist is "intimate" (as he defines intimacy): a woman CAN be a source of PRIMARY NS - IF and only as long as no intimacy is involved. The moment intimacy - however thwarted and distorted - sets in, the woman is transformed into a source of secondary supply and, thereby, devalued.

Just a reminder:

Primary Narcissistic Supply (NS) - adulation, adoration, attention, affirmation, approbation derived by the narcissist from others (narcissistic supply sources). I wrote dozens of pages on the mechanisms of identification of sources and the derivation of NS thereof.

Secondary Narcissistic Supply - the retention, accumulation, amplification and reflection of PAST primary NS. This helps the narcissist to regulate his narcissistic supply and its ebbs and flows. The source is considered inferior and is often devalued. It is devalued REGARDLESS of objective reality. Even a strong, sexy and highly intelligent woman will be devalued because of her function in the narcissist's universe: a secondary, devaluing function. One cannot hold an instrument in high regard.

7. Should the Narcissist be Held Accountable for his Actions?

I think that the narcissist should be held accountable for most of his actions. The list of what he should NOT be held accountable to is shorter: his rage and his grandiose fantasies. These are two exceptions which could allow us to make the rule clearer.

The narcissist CANNOT control his rage and, therefore, should not be held accountable for it. BUT, if he attacks someone physically, he should be held accountable because:

1. He can tell right from wrong.
2. He simply didn't care about the other person sufficiently to refrain from action.

Similarly, the Narcissist cannot "control" his grandiose fantasies. He firmly believes that they constitute an accurate representation of reality. BUT, if he lies about his education, he should be held accountable because:

1. He knows that lying is wrong and should not be done.
2. He simply didn't care enough about society and others to refrain from doing so.

Narcissists should be held accountable for most of what they do because they can tell wrong from right AND they can refrain from taking the actions they do take. They simply don't care enough about others to put to good use these twin abilities. A narcissist can be held responsible for some of his actions because he can tell right from wrong and can control most of his actions. He simply doesn't care to do so. Others are not important enough to him.

8. Narcissists Getting Tired of their Sources of Supply

There is no mathematical formula which governs this. It depends on numerous variables. Usually, the narcissist persists in the relationship until he "gets used" to the source and the its stimulating effects wear off OR until a better source of supply becomes available.

9. Narcissists Put on a Show Regarding their "Emotions"?

Well, yes, except some basic, primitive emotional modalities, transformations of aggression: rage, pathological envy, hate, sadistic pleasure, masochistic pleasure, fear.