Interview Mental-Health Today - Excerpts Part 40 - Treating Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Written by Sam Vaknin

They feel entitled to special treatment. They demand to be exempted from rules and conventions - legal as well as social.

Any hint of criticism, or disagreement - any indication that you see the narcissist for what he really is - is perceived by the narcissist as a THREAT. Narcissistic injuries upset the precarious and delicate balance between the competing parts of the narcissist's personality. They upset the apple cart.

Narcissist are terrified of intimacy and commitment - and, yet, they crave it. They are afraid of it because intimacy threatens to "expose" their fictitious nature, their invented identities and biographies, their vulnerabilities.

Yet, they crave it because they need someone by their side who can provide them with a constant and regulated stream of narcissistic supply.

This phenomenon - of initiating an approach and then vanishing rudely and inexplicably - is called "approach-avoidance repetition complex". It is very damaging to the self-esteem of the partner and provokes in her or him strong feelings of guilt and shame.

Question from BCurious:

Are there instances of Ns seeing their dog as an extension of themselves, if say the father is dead, the mother elderly, and a poor emotional connection with the wife? Sorry for the earlier line jumping incident!

Sam Vaknin:

Yes - see this: FAQ 53

Any thing can serve as a source of Narcissistic supply, providing that it has the potential to attract people' attention and be the subject of their admiration.

Narcissists relate to objects - including pets and humans - as either accumulators or discarders.

Roughly, they either COLLECT objects which serve them as reminders of past grandeur and abundant narcissistic supply - or they discard objects because of their emotional content.

The accumulators also amass objects in order to acquire status and garner narcissistic supply (awe, admiration).

EVERYTHING is an extension of the narcissist. His personality has a low level of organization. In other words, he has no boundaries and recognizes no boundaries.

He is not aware where he ends and his dog - or you - begin. You are there as possessions, tools, to perform pre-assigned functions.

The narcissist IS the universe. He is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.

Question from Aria:

How do you get the narcissist to abandon your memories, the lurking, waiting to get you, I don't want to be modified by him and want those feelings gone.

Sam Vaknin:

How do you get the narcissist out of your mind? That's what you mean?

Aria:

You mentioned it above.... Yes....they cause so much damage, how to get beyond it?

Sam Vaknin:

Living with a narcissist - or interacting with him for a prolonged period of time - is a trauma. The result is a post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Allow me to quote one of my favorite FAQs - FAQ 68

Also see: FAQ 80

"At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream come true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more.

He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realization.

The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings - the most total form of rejection there is.