Interview Mental-Health Today - Excerpts Part 40 - Source of Narcissistic Supply

Written by Sam Vaknin

These rules do not always correspond to outer reality.

Using complex defence mechanisms, such as projective identification, the narcissist forces his victims - spouse, mate, friend, colleague - to "play a role" assigned to him by "God" - the narcissist.

The narcissist rewards compliance with his script and punishes any deviation from it with severe abuse.

In other words, the narcissist CONDITIONS people around him using intimidation, positive and negative reinforcements and feedback, ambient abuse ("gaslighting"), covert, or controlling abuse, and overt, classical abuse.

Thus conditioned, the narcissist's victims gradually come to assimilate the narcissist's way of thinking (follies a-deux) and his modus operandi - his methods.

You can abandon the narcissist - but the narcissist never abandons you.

He is there, deep inside your traumatic memories, lurking, waiting to act out. You have been modified, very much like an alien snatching bodies.

Question from oakknoll:

Is the disorder more common in only children? And in general what is the prognosis for recovery from NPD? Do you believe they are capable of really loving another person other than a parent?

Sam Vaknin:

Regarding your first question, NPD is diagnosed in early adolescence. There are TRANSIENT, or REACTIVE forms of narcissism that are diagnosed later in life (Roningstam, 1996).

Some scholars believed that pathological narcissism is a reaction to setbacks and narcissistic injuries (Freud, Kohut, Kernberg) - and it is always with us, waiting to be triggered by personal misfortune.

As to your second question - it is poor.

Narcissists react very poorly to intervention because they are paranoid and they feel superior to the therapist.

Long term improvement has been achieved with psychodynamic therapies. Short term gains were produced with cognitive-behavioural therapies.

Some behaviours - like dysphorias (depression) and obsessive-compulsive behaviour patterns can be ameliorated with medication. But the rate of remission is high.

The answer to the third question is simple: No, period.

Narcissists cannot love others because they don't love their TRUE self. They "love" a fiction - the FALSE SELF. They are full of feelings of inferiority and self-loathing and they are very sadistic and self-punishing when they incur a narcissistic injury (when they "fail"). You can't love others if you do not love yourself. Moreover, narcissists do not understand what it means to be human (i.e., they lack empathy).

To them other people are bi-dimensional, cartoon, cardboard cutouts, or, at most, an audience. Others are FUNCTIONS, INSTRUMENTS, EXTENSIONS. They, therefore, cannot be loved for what THEY ARE but only for WHAT THEY PROVIDE. This is no real love. It is a utilitarian relationship - an inversion of the way the narcissist was treated by his own parents.

Question from Patty:

I am in and out of denial about a man who is NPD I am semi involved with. His behaviour is always after we see one another he doesn't want to have any contact or communication with me for awhile until he decides he wants to see me again and it is always on his terms. I finally confronted him with this behaviour in an email and asked him why today saying it was important in regards to me seeing him again and he did not write back. What's the deal?

He also seems to get "hurt" easily and it takes him awhile to recover from things I say.

Sam Vaknin:

Patty, great many thanks for this forum and for your invaluable contribution to disseminating mental health knowledge.

Narcissists are easily hurt because of their unrealistic expectations from other people.

They expect others to swallow whole their false self - a deception.