Interview Mental-Health Today - Excerpts Part 40 - Narcissism and Grief

Written by Sam Vaknin

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die - we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has 4 phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance."

Some people, however, cannot get past the denial, or rage phases.

They remain 'stuck", frozen in time, constantly replaying mental tapes of the interactions they had with the narcissists.

What they don't realize is that these tapes are "foreign objects" implanted by the narcissist in their mind. Time bombs waiting to explode. Kind of "sleeper cells" or post-hypnotic suggestion.

If you find yourself in this situation there is little you can do to help yourself. You need professional assistance.

Aria:

Thank you so very much....I am in the acceptance stage.....now seeking to understand.

Question from nightspace:

This is all new to me. I've realized the my husband is a N right now his life is very disappointing, we just had a child last year and she has rare disease, he wants to leave now I feel because he does not have all the material things he wants cars nice home etc, and he blames that on me for not working and wanting to stay home to care for bb, like Patty said he bounces back slowly from things I say, he has been holding grudge against me. How do I protect daughter from his actions?

Sam Vaknin:

How old is your daughter, nightspace?

Nightspace:

17 months.

Sam Vaknin:

First, let me reassure you: it is NOT your fault. Narcissists have ALLOPLASTIC DEFENCES. While most people ask: what have I done wrong? How can I better myself and my situation? The narcissist asks: WHO is responsible for my situation? Who conspired against? Who is out to get me? Who can I blame for this? Whose fault it is?

A child with a rare disease is a blemish of the narcissist's delusional record of perfection. It can't be HIS fault - he is perfect. If he fails, is impoverished - it must be someone else's fault.

You are a convenient scapegoat.

As to your daughter.

I am afraid there is little you can do - except, of course, divorce him and move away a thousand miles.

As long as you maintain the family unit, the ONLY thing you can do is simply provide your daughter with a counter-example.

As your daughter grows, become her role model. Show her that not everyone is a narcissist or behaves narcissistically.

Question from Patty:

Is it common for people with borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder to wind up as partners with NPDs? Also what are the similarities of these disorders with NPD?

Sam Vaknin:

In a nutshell: a sense of entitlement is common to all Cluster B disorders.

Narcissists almost never act on their suicidal ideation - BPDs do so incessantly (by cutting, Self Injury, or mutilation).

NPDs can suffer from brief reactive psychoses in the same way that BPDs suffer from psychotic microepisodes.

There are some differences between NPD and BPD, though:

The narcissist is way less impulsive; As I said, the narcissist is less self-destructive, rarely self-mutilates, and practically never attempts suicide.

The narcissist is more stable (displays reduced emotional lability, maintains stability in interpersonal relationships and so on).

Both NPDs and BPDs are afraid of abandonment.