Mirror Gazing - Excerpts Part 33 - Narcissists, Domestic Violence and Abuse

Written by Sam Vaknin

There are gradations and shades of narcissism. There is reactive narcissism, temporary narcissism (Gunderson-Roningstam, 1996), narcissistic personality, narcissistic traits, narcissistic overlay (i.e., together with another, dominant PD), co-morbidity, and full blown NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

The differences are explored elsewhere in this web site, in my FAQs and in my Excerpts pages.

BUT - my advice to you is to stay away from ALL variations and shades of narcissism. There are three reasons:

1. Often, there are transitions between the narcissistic modes (for instance, from narcissistic personality to NPD). This has to do with life circumstances (example: narcissistic injury). Regressions and remissions are VERY common (Hare, Millon).

1. Narcissists are very adept at disguising their REAL condition, even from trained observers.

1. Even "low level" narcissistic behaviours can inflict huge emotional damage if properly targeted, advertently or not.

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The narcissists defends himself against abuse by becoming the abuser. Early childhood abuse is fended off by resorting to grandiose fantasies of omnipotence, omniscience, brilliance, unmitigated success, and eternal love.

The narcissists feels unique, unprecedented, indescribably special. His actions are of cosmic significance. As a result, he feels entitled to special treatment, even if such treatment is incommensurate with his talents, skills, or actual achievements.

The narcissist is incapable of loving, or even empathizing with other people. To him, they are instruments in the compulsive pursuit of gratification, adulation, attention and affirmation ("narcissistic supply").

He does not fathom the human experience because his emotions are thoroughly repressed and he is obsessed with obtaining his "drug" (the aforementioned supply).

The narcissist has conflicting needs. On the one hand, he derives his sense of self-worth and the regulation of his self-esteem from others. On the other hand, he needs to feel superior and contemptuous towards the very sources of his sustenance. Hence his erratic unpredictability, callousness, cruelty, and dangerous capriciousness.

The narcissist inflicts pain and suffering on his nearest and dearest: spouse, children, colleagues, employer, friends. While he rarely exercises physically violent, he is a master of mental torture and psychological nightmares.

I have written extensively about narcissistic behaviour, its roots, dynamics and sad outcomes. The issues of bullying, domestic abuse, violence and narcissism are inseparable.

On the formation of the narcissistic defence and the psychodynamics of narcissism: here

Start by reading about the Inverted Narcissist here: The Inverted Narcissist - FAQ 66

These Frequently Asked Questions deal with the damage narcissists inflict on their milieu:

For more information see the complete index of this website.

For a complete index of all 82 FAQs.

My poetry: Poetry of Healing and Abuse - My Poems

Finally, I must refer you to what I regard to be the best web site on bullying and mental health disorders which lead to bullying: The Serial Bully

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 34