Mirror Gazing - Excerpts Part 33 - Narcissistic Vulnerability

Written by Sam Vaknin

Ken: Could it be that, while you continue to draw from narcissistic supply, the pursuits behind "Malignant Self Love" were/are activation of a true self? Activation of a false self would have been a fluctuation between "There's nothing wrong with me" and "I'm worthless, non-deserving, inadequate." The false self is false because it does not represent/reflect reality. But you did/do face reality. Head-on. Is that not real self activation? Cure, no. Self activation, I should think so.
I understand (and do not argue with) your position/choice that cultivating your Narcissistic Supply Sources to keep dysphoria at bay might be wiser/more realistic (for you) than embarking on the long, uncertain road of trying to diminish your need for that defence. But is not that choice in itself self activation? It certainly is a not based on any illusion. On the contrary, it is based on reality.

Sam: Yes, I agree. It appears in my writings. The Narcissist gets in touch with his dilapidated True Self only during a life crisis.
But there is no choice or position. To assume so is a false premise.

Ken: Not by choice. I understand. But you are aware of that. You are not in denial. And denial is a narcissist's ticket to grandiosity.

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Perhaps this is your contribution to treatment. That is, not to set an impossible goal of core (intra-psychic) restructuring. But strive for awareness of and acceptance of your pathology (a huge challenge) and thereby learn to live with the pathology in greater harmony, even use it productively. In other words, know thyself. That act alone is self activation. And to demonstrate one's ability to self activate should be of some benefit.
Perhaps this is the message that therapists should take away from your work and your example.

Sam: Denial is a defence mechanism. This means that it has a cognitive component and an emotional one.
The opposite of denial is NOT knowledge or awareness. Knowledge or awareness constitute ONLY a cognitive component.
The opposite of all defence mechanisms is emotional integration through insight.
To say that a narcissist who deploys his pathology to benefit and help others is better than a narcissist who doesn't (or deploys it to negative effect) is a VALUE judgement.
This sentence is true ONLY in a given social-cultural context (specific morality, ethics, etc.)
BUT
It has nothing to do with narcissism.
A narcissist who deploys his pathology is a narcissist who deploys his pathology - regardless of its eventual utilitarian, social, or moral outcomes.

Ken: Let me start over. The defence that we call narcissism is the illusion of being perfect and/or of being capable of attaining perfection. It is false. It does not reflect reality. It is an illusion. Challenge a narcissist with the reality of an imperfection and he will do one of two things: a) Activate the grandiose unit of his false self, or b) Activate the harsh, attacking unit of his false self.
At some point life presented you with the reality of an imperfection. I do not know how you reacted: big-time denial? ("How dare you even entertain such thoughts about me? You have no appreciation for what I am. Etc.") Rage? Eventually you did accept the imperfection as reality. At least for that moment, I would think that you activated the true self in you. By definition a true self, because it reflected reality. There was no attempt to distort that reality.
There are two kinds of alcoholics: those who are but deny it and those who are and admit it. I am not passing judgement on anything. I am just saying that false selves don't see anything as it really is. It takes a true self to do that. False selves distort and hide. True selves accept and cope. I am not saying that admitting an addiction fixes it or lessens one's dependence on that addiction. I am merely suggesting that it was your admission that allowed you to go on your journey of research and discovery, and that a false self could not have done that.

Sam: Yes, I agree absolutely.
But then the False Self took over this new gained knowledge and now exploits it within a grandiose fantasy.

4. Narcissistic Vulnerability

The Narcissist is vulnerable because:

1. He is an alien. Lacking empathy, he does not know what it means to be human. He misinterprets human behaviour. He misattributes motives. He over-reacts, he under-reacts. He reads cues wrongly. He is emotionally illiterate. His personality is so primitive that he often develops "superstitions" - where others have a cognitive science gleaned from cumulative interactions with others.
2. Paranoids are very susceptible to persecutory delusions. To be untrusting - also means not to trust when it is called for. To be wary and on guard - also means to be confined and imprisoned in one's mind. Every rumour is a threat, every gossip a reality, every hint - an inevitability.
3. The narcissist suffers from cognitive distortions. He does not grasp reality because he lives in a grandiose fantasy and he IS his FALSE Self. In dreamworld - EVERYTHING is possible and nothing is IMPOSSIBLE. This make it very easy to "sell" the narcissist on anything. In a strange way, the narcissist is naive.
4. The Narcissist is a drug addict. Drug addicts are easy to manipulate: they will do anything for the next dose. Give them Narcissistic Supply - and they are yours to do with as you wish.