Mirror Gazing - Excerpts Part 33

Written by Sam Vaknin

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 33

1. Mirror Gazing
2. More on the Grandiosity Gap
3. Self-Awareness and Healing
4. Narcissistic Vulnerability
5. Narcissists, Domestic Violence and Abuse

1. Mirror Gazing

Mirror gazing in itself is, of course, not a narcissistic trait. We all do it. What sets narcissism apart is HOW LONG and HOW OFTEN they do it - and, more importantly, what is the internal dialogue that accompanies the act.

The somatic narcissist derives his emotional and ego sustenance from the reactions of others to his body, his figure, his fitness, his physical achievements, his sexual prowess, and his romantic conquests.

When the self-esteem and regulation of sense of self-worth of such a person are DEPENDENT upon such feedback from the outside - we have the makings of a narcissist. To the somatic narcissist, mirror gazing fulfils a few functions. It confirms the narcissist's (false and grandiose) self image. It allows the narcissist to preserve his bodily perfection. It serves as a "surrogate" or substitute observer - in lieu of real people. These are important functions without which the narcissist's precariously balanced personality will crumble. Hence, the frequent mirror gazing and the texts that the Narcissist recites while doing it: "I AM perfect, shapely, attractive, irresistible, great, conquering, muscular, etc."

2. More on the Grandiosity Gap

We all experience a gap between what we believe we ought to be or to have - and what we are or possess. Hope springs eternal precisely because of this healthy difference. Spinoza said that God cannot want or wish for anything - because he has it all. We, humans, don't - and can. I am not sure who got the raw deal. Imagine a world with nothing to look forward to, no aspirations, no achievements, no accumulation, no setbacks and, as a result, no sweet victories.

This is what the narcissist's world is like.

To the narcissist (God-like in his mind) this gap between the real and the desired induces SUFFERING and PAIN. Unable to pose realistic, realizable goals to himself, unwilling to recognize his limitations, always exaggerating and inflating his abilities, skills and possessions - the narcissist lives in a vacuum. It is an abyss of unrealized potentials and crushed dreams. There is no continuum of reasonable, detailed, realistic, gradual wishes and plans between where he is at the moment - and where he wishes to be (or believes himself to be) in future.

It is a common mistake to think that the Narcissist's problem is his grandiosity. It is not. It is his lack of capacity to translate his fantasies into reality. His inability to design the programmatic bridge from here to there. His is a virtual reality where the only tangible element is frustration and the only force is the Sisyphean agony of striving without ever getting there. It is the "Promised Land" syndrome.

3. Self-Awareness and Healing

Ken: According to Masterson, all the personality disorders are due to a disordered, fragmented self that forms a triad. Self activation leads to abandonment depression leads to defence. The various expressions of this triad depend on the type of defence: narcissistic, borderline, schizoid.
Therapy consists of working through the abandonment depression and thus lessening the need for defence. The patient must first get "worse" before he can get "better."
Is this not what you went through? In prison or later? On your own perhaps? You say in your book that the narcissist's only moments of possible improvement are when he is at the bottom of his game. I find it hard to believe that "Malignant Self Love" did not require some real self activation on your part. Having witnessed the power of the narcissistic defences, I am in awe of your achievement.
Any comments?

Sam: This is all true. Yet it ignores the dynamics of a pathology. If not sustained by a holding environment, cognitive-behavioural insights coupled with correlated emotional maturation in a controlled setting - a remission invariably occurs.
Narcissistic defences are resilient. Cognitive insights alone are insufficient, nor do they constitute healing or lead to it.
I derive narcissistic supply from my pathology, its commercialization, helping others, the guru status, etc. In a way, my knowledge and self-awareness ENHANCE my narcissism because they are easily convertible to narcissistic supply.