Protect from Narcissism - Excerpts Part 32 - Narcissism and Happiness

Written by Sam Vaknin

They INTERPRET certain experiences (such as co-dependence, or the acquisition of narcissistic supply) - as LOVE.

So, in a (material) way - narcissists do love and are capable of experiencing love (though their "love" is not the love of non-narcissists).

You might wish to read: On Empathy and The Manifold of Sense

And you will find much more about the emotions experienced by narcissists in the Excerpts pages.

The index is here

5. The Art of Un-Being

To un-be is an art practised only by the much abused - or by the very healthy.

The former learn to hide their true selves, to project invented ones - and to believe in their own projections.

They learned that often to vanish is to survive.

They became penumbral background, sliding stealthily and noiselessly across walls of fury and of rage, across traumas and injurious time.

They exercise merging.

They transubstantiate into the ethereal existence that is being someone else's extension.

Moulded into the inanimate, objectified and cast around, they watch life itself projected onto the inside of their eyelids in hues of red and black.

They know better than to be. A nuisance, an obstruction, a agonized reminder - they cringe and curl, transformed into an infinite loop of searing void.

Sometimes they hope not to return.

The latter are so certain of their own vitality that they are not afraid of turning it on and off at will - a tap of animation, a valve of quiddity, a switch between the present and the absent.

They can un-be with fearless glee and satisfaction.

They have a solid foundation, the healthy ones - cemented by love, a rock of self esteem, embedded in an ocean of self worth, hurling in a universe of self-acceptance.

Those wistful endowments bestowed on one when too young to appreciate them...

6. The Narcissist's Refrigerator

Imagine that your refrigerator would have constantly demanded your attention beyond rudimentary and passing maintenance. Wouldn't you be amazed and angry at it? To the narcissist, you are a mere function, an instrument whose fate and destiny is to supply the narcissist with the attention or adulation that he requires (i.e., with Narcissistic Supply). The narcissist recognizes that he has to maintain you to a certain degree. Your performance tends to deteriorate if not properly treated. But he does his best to minimize his investment in you in terms of time and energy. The narcissist is a highly efficient machine. Should you demand more - you will become a nuisance, a drag, a burden. The narcissist will dump you. He will disconnect swiftly and remorselessly, ruthlessly and cruelly. The narcissist is in a constant, resource-consuming pursuit of an elusive commodity. He has nothing left for human relations. Human emotions and intimacy - constitute an inefficient allocation of resources because of their low yield of narcissistic supply. It is better to invest and be invested in appearances, in the false self, in superficial interactions - these consume a minimal amount of energy and time and yield the most Narcissistic Supply per energy and time units invested.

7. Mind Like Water Interview

Q: What is your background and why did you write about narcissism? Please define narcissism for those who are unfamiliar with the term.

A: Narcissism is a pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" was written in jail (at least in outline). It was an unflinching attempt to understand what went wrong, what brought me hither, and where was I likely to go from there. In its current incarnation, it is an impersonal textbook, with a lot of scholarly material and dozens of frequently asked questions answered in laymen's terms. So, it has a lot for everyone. It deals with a pernicious and devastating mental health issue - the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with which I am afflicted. I think that what made it a hit (and, at $45 + shipping it is not cheap) is its relentless straightforwardness, its uncompromising gaze, its willingness to venture where others feared to tread. The narcissist is often also a sadist, a stalker, a masochist, a sex pervert, and an abuser. The book is a manual intended to help the narcissist's exhausted and traumatized victims extricate themselves from the nightmare of being near a narcissist or with him.