8. Narcissists Imitating Emotions

Narcissists are excellent at imitating emotions. They maintain (sometimes consciously) "resonance tables" in their minds. They monitor the reactions of others. They see which behavior, gesture, mannerism, phrase, or expression evoke, provoke and elicit which kind of empathic reaction from their conversant or counter party. They map these correlations and store them. Then they download them in the right circumstances to obtain maximum impact and manipulative effect. The whole process is highly "computerized" and has NO emotional correlate, no INNER resonance. The Narcissist uses procedures: "this is what I should say, this is how I must behave, this should be the expression on my face, this should be the pressure of this handshake to obtain this reaction". Narcissists are capable of sentimentality - but not of (experiencing) emotions.

9. From "Narcissism and the Search for Interiority" by Donald Kalsched

"In the family backgrounds of narcissistic personalities we find many variations of this pattern where the child is not 'seen' in his or her own spontaneous expressiveness but rather serves a particular function within the psychic 'economy' of the family system, for example, as mother's darling or father's 'queen'. This is especially true where there is a great deal of unlived life in one or another parent. Under these conditions, the child's frequently endless need for attention ... may arouse an envious or wrathful response ... Or, the parent will simply ignore the independent needs of the child and respond adoringly to those special abilities, talents, or endearing set of attributes with which he/she can identify and perhaps obtain vicariously, through the child, the needed appreciative mirroring from others. It very often happens that the 'audience' from whom appreciation is wanted is the spouse, as for example, in the case of a father who appropriates his son's endearing qualities and 'shows him off' to his own wife from whom he feels otherwise estranged. Or, the audience maybe the grandfather or grandmother from whom the narcissistically deprived parent may be able to evoke the appreciative 'gleam in the parent's eye' that was never seen in response to his or her own personal accomplishments but now appears as a ready mirror for 'my son' or 'my daughter'. Sometimes it is the very expressive lovingness of the child which is appropriated.

Andras Angyal has made a vital contribution to our understanding of the personality by reminding us that among the spontaneous capacities of normal children is a deep capacity for loving.

Children who have experienced what Winnicott calls 'good enough' mothering have to be carefully taught not to love or not to love totally. Such total expressiveness may be gobbled up by the emotionally deprived parent so that the child quickly realizes that his loving does not come back to him ... it does not make an impact 'out there' and return. It disappears. The parent cannot get enough. Or, what is often worse, the parent appropriates the very lovingness of the child itself as the earliest of the many special talents the parent eventually sees in the child. The parent calls attention to the child's loving gestures and asks others to watch. This is another way of taking the love away. Without knowing it, the child becomes aware that his very warmth and affection itself is made into something for the parents' aggrandizement. This is often the precursor to the superficial warmth and charm of the narcissistic individual, so frequently noted in the literature."

10. Sam Vaknin, NPD

Philosophically, an narcissist, who "warns" others about his disorder (most narcissists are men) is a paradox.

Remember the ancient Greek liar's paradox? "I constantly and invariably lie" says I. If I am telling the truth - than the sentence is a lie and so on.

Narcissists do EVERYTHING in search and pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. There is no other motive or motivation in their lives. If warning others is what's going to get them the attention they are seeking (or the adulation, in some cases) they will do it. Fame is better than notoriety but notoriety is preferable to lack of attention. A narcissist describing his NPD is seeking to secure narcissistic supply by doing so. Narcissists are primitive "machines".

It might be difficult to ignore the fact that I am a narcissist. But two observations may make it easier:

1. A narcissistic discussing NPD "scientifically" and in a "detached" manner will always be objective. It is his reputation that he is trying to preserve by becoming known as "an authority on ...". You can TRUST the narcissist if this is the role that he plays to be completely honest, open and objective.
2. Intentions don't count - actions do. What does it matter WHY I do what I do, as long as I am able to constructively contribute to the dialogue? By exposing myself I am asking to be accepted as I am. If I am accepted unconditionally - this, indeed, may be a first in my life.

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 4