Resistance is Futile - Excerpts Part 25 - Narcissism and Self Love

Written by Sam Vaknin

She is precariously balanced.
Topple her and cast her into oblivion.
You can do it.
Now is the time, a window of opportunity overlooking the pastures of self-contentedness and of contentedness with self.
Sometimes, we believe we have a choice.
Often, we believe we make choices.
But our choices make us - not the other way around.
And often, we have no choice and our "choices" are elaborate optical illusions, ricocheting off mirrors glazed with fears and splintered hopes.
Hold on to what you feel is real.
Demand your rights.
Protect your turf.

advertisement

Fear not.
And as for other people in your life -
Whatever you decide, they will always be here.
They are not an apparition.
They are stable and reliable.
They are not erratic and irritable and capricious or malicious.
Think about it. Believe it.
And act.

5. The Narcissist as Predator

I am very much attracted to vulnerability, to unstable or disordered personalities, or to the inferior. Such people constitute more secure sources of better quality narcissistic supply. The inferior offer adulation. The mentally disturbed, the traumatized, the abused - become dependent and addicted to me. The vulnerable can be easily and economically manipulated without fear of repercussions.

I think that "a healing narcissist" is an oxymoron (though NOT in all cases, of course).

Still, I agree. Healing (not only of narcissists) is dependent upon and derived from a sense of security in a relationship.

I am not particularly interested in healing. I try to optimize my returns taking into consideration the scarcity and finiteness of my resources. Healing is simply a bad business proposition.

BUT

I never discounted what others had to offer.

I simply put it in context. MY context.

I fully realize that there is a gaping disparity between my context and others' - which makes it doubly imperative to remind everyone recurrently of it.

In MY context being accepted or cared for (not to mention loved) is a foreign language. It is meaningless.

One might recite the most delicate haiku in Japanese and it would still remain meaningless to an Israeli.

That Israelis are not adept at Japanese does not diminish the value of the haiku OR of the Japanese language, needless to say.

Being understood is important to me and I am glad when I am understood providing that understanding me leads to adulation, admiration, and fascination or to awe and fear. In short: to Narcissistic Supply.

A narcissist who (for some oblivious reason) would wish to heal should expect pain through the re-processing of old narcissistic hurts.

6. Seeking Help

You cannot convince someone to seek help. Help is sought only when the individual has exhausted herself and her resources in such a complete way that help (or death) are the only options left. Your daughter must hit bottom. But only she can say what constitutes "bottom" as far as she is concerned. She will know the right time, not to worry. In the meantime, try to be her friend and her parent.

It is wrong of you to allocate blame and to experience guilt feelings. We all do the best we can, always. Sometimes is just is not good enough. But when it is not - it does not mean that we should carry it as the proverbial albatross around our necks forever.

Three things are clear:

You are preoccupied with finding a "reason", a "logic", an "order".

There simply isn't (at least not that anyone is sure of). Humans are machines so complicated that they are no longer mere machines. There is no "user's manual". We all are groping in the dark. We are trying to understand. We often change our theories and views.

Forgive yourself because you did the best you could, and so did your husband, so forgive him too. Above all, forgive your daughter.

It is often that we blame failing relationships and other problems on others. It usually is wrong.

Get on with the business of living. Take stock of all you are and move on.