Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 25

1. Resistance is Futile?
2. Narcissists as Vampires
3. The Need to be Hopeful
4. Fight
5. The Narcissist as Predator
6. Seeking Help
7. Falling in Love with Ourselves

1. Resistance is Futile?

Resistance is a sign that you still do love yourself.

Why else would you try to shield yourself so? Why else would you fear hurt?

Your resistance used to be your best friend, don't cast it aside so lightly or callously.

Your ability to convince your resistance to amicably wane is a real test of how far you get.

BTW, "She" is NOT a form of resistance. She does not seek to shield and protect you (though She might claim to do precisely that).

She is an enemy within and should not be confused with your resistance. She should never be trusted for She has your worst interests in mind. She is punitive and sadistic.

The False Self STARTS as a defence mechanism and ends up replacing the host.

The False Self is a virus, an auto-immune deficiency. Your defence mechanisms are your immune system.

It is an intricate (and very confusing) balancing act. Maybe this can be of help: all of us, even the most "normal" have defence mechanisms and employ them regularly. But only narcissists have False Selves.

The splitting defence mechanism leads to "Good Mother" in True Self and "Bad Mother" (or bad breast or whatever) in False Self. Seeking narcissistic supply is really a quest to transform the Bad Mother into a Good Mother through the adulation, approval and attention of others.

2. Narcissists as Vampires

Vampires are linked to narcissists in more than one way. The narcissist has NO reflection - this is why he is so dependent on others to reflect some self (=the False Self) back to him. Vampires are blood thirsty parasites - but not malevolent. They are slaves to their nature - not diabolical fiends with vicious designs. Actually, they can be rather empathetic (and pathetic). And their trade is with illusions and delusions. They are only marginally supernatural and they promise eternal life. They don't kill - they foster addiction. Isn't this a perfect description of the narcissist?

3. The Need to be Hopeful

There are gradations of narcissism. In all my writings, I am referring to the extreme and penultimate form of narcissism, the NPD.

We often confuse shame with guilt.

Narcissists feel shameful when confronted with a failure. They feel (narcissistically) injured. Their omnipotence is threatened, their sense of perfection and uniqueness is questioned. They are enraged, engulfed by self-reprimand, self-loathing and internalized violent urges. The narcissist punishes himself for failing to be God - not for the maltreatment of others.

The narcissist makes an effort to communicate his pain and shame in order to elicit the Narcissistic Supply he needs to restore and regulate his failing self-worth. In doing so, the narcissist resorts to the human vocabulary of empathy. The narcissist will say anything to obtain NS. It is a manipulative ploy - not a confession of real emotions or an authentic description of internal dynamics.

Yes, the narcissist is a child - but a very precocious and young one.

Yes, he can tell right from wrong - but is indifferent to both.

Yes, it is a process of "re-parenting" (what Kohut called a "self-object") that is required, of growth, of maturation. In the best of cases, it takes years and the prognosis is dismal.

Yes, some narcissists make it. And their mates or spouses or children or colleagues or lovers rejoice.

But is the fact that people survive tornadoes - a reason to go out and seek one?

4. Fight!

You should fight her.
Don't let her spoil everything again.
Understand that she hates you, she wants you emotionally dead, besieged, paranoid and lonely.
She thrives on your misery.
She is a mortal enemy because she starves to death that part of you that really matters - the ONLY one that matters.
She won't let you love, she won't let you live, and she won't let you leave.
So, you can only fight her, tooth and nail.
Don't be afraid. She is much weaker than you.
She is brittle.