4. Right Now I am Enraged

Right now I am enraged. I hate and detest myself for my self hatred and the resulting self destructiveness. It's an old and worn out tale.

The unpleasant truth is that there is very little one can do about one's passions and that people like me have but one, over-riding, all-encompassing, all-pervasive, overpowering, irresistible passion: to annul themselves, to unravel through acts of death. Not suicide but slow disintegration. Time and again I judge myself and find me wanting and punish myself and find the punishment excessive and then punish myself for punishing myself so.

5. Is there an Ideal Source of Supply?

Of course there is (from the Narcissist's point of view). The ideal source of supply is sufficiently intelligent to qualify as such, sufficiently gullible, submissive, reasonably (but not overly) inferior to the narcissist, has a good memory (with which to regulate the flow of narcissistic supply), available but not imposing, not explicitly or overtly manipulative, interchangeable (not indispensable), not demanding (a fatalist to a degree), attractive (if the narcissist is somatic). In short: a Galathea-Pygmallion type.

6. Destruction and Construction

Destruction SHOULD precede construction.

But the narcissist dies of old age while still in the destruction phase, never getting anywhere near the reconstruction phase.

This is because construction can come ONLY with self-awareness and self-love. One does not re-build what one is unaware of and what one hates.

Few narcissists make it to self-awareness and none of them makes it to self-love.

7. Punishing Others

Some people are tormented by the very punishment they (however justly) inflict upon others.

Some people rush to the job with glee and jubilation (I LOVE punishing - it makes me feel so important, so potent, so GODLIKE !!!!)

Just punishment is the only proof we have that there is meaning and structure and order in the mayhem we call "our world". It must not be treated easily. It is a divine prerogative relegated and delegated to us mere mortals to make us feel at home.

8. You are a Source of Supply

You are a source of supply. If you cease to be a source of supply - as far as I am concerned, you cease to be. I do fight people furiously when they threaten my supply. I never judge (unless it is a show I put for public consumption, like in my articles). I never forget. I never forgive. I simply ignore those parts irrelevant to your function. Your function is to provide me with supply. My computer heats up. My cell phone radiates. My refrigerator hums. You act out. I cannot expect perfection.

9. Narcissism

Narcissism does has a strong compensatory component and is intended to offer a regulatory regime of the sense of self worth of the narcissist. It has other components, though (for instance: a reactive component - a reaction to past abuses or maltreatment). In general narcissism is the lack of a functioning ego. The individual then relies on others to perform his ego functions for him - the regulation of his sense of self worth being one of the more important ego functions.

Psychodynamic therapies aim to assist the narcissist to acquire, to "grow", a functioning ego and to break his dependence on others for the performance of his ego functions for him.

10. Addicted

I have been willingly addicted to information since the age of 4, when I began reading daily papers.

I LOVE information. It gives me a constant high. Why should I give up such sublime pleasure? (by "Information", I mean all manner of intellectual activity).

Why should I change my behaviour? What for?

I am not ego-dystonic. I am not depressed. Most of the day I am exhilarated as I absorb new data and write articles and listen to news and peruse my CD-ROM encyclopaedias...

It is heaven TEMPERED by humans.

The only thing I regret now and always regretted, ever since I was a kid, is the NECESSITY of dealing with humans and with my physical body.

But I am getting closer than ever to that perfect state of constant learning - manly thanks to the Internet.