Sam Vaknin Interview - Excerpts Part 23 - Narcissist Supplies

Written by Sam Vaknin

7. On the Irrelevance of Labelling

Whether a poison is strychnine or cyanide is of very little consequence once one is poisoned.

It does not really matter whether he is a narcissist or not.

What matters is that loving this man and taking care of yourself are NOT COMPATIBLE goals. They are mutually exclusive behaviours. EITHER you are with him - OR you take good care of yourself.

A decision that only you can make, a matter of priorities. I don't know how long you have been together but I do not think that your husband is going to abandon you. This is because you accept him back. Not many women would - and he knows it.

Read FAQ 66

Think about his escapades as VACATIONS.

Perhaps you SHOULD establish a formal schedule of such "vacations" - or at least establish a procedure for your husband to take these vacations.

It will reduce your abandonment issues and provide him with the respite that he need. His escapes are obsessive-compulsive in nature, the result of mounting anxiety. There are many very effective cognitive-behavioural techniques to treat such behaviours. Did you try marital or couple therapy?

Accept that which you cannot change - formalize it, enshrine it, even encourage it.

Do not be afraid to lose him. The more freedom you allow him - the more attached to you he will become, knowing that such leeway is not to be found elsewhere.

The Persian poet Omar Al-Khayam wrote in the Rubaayat: "When you want the bird, set it free".

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 24