Narcissistic Healing - Excerpts Part 21 - Narcissistic Healing

Written by Sam Vaknin

Add to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement - and the combustion is inevitable. Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his demands are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "You are (mistake his age, make him much older)... sorry, you are ...old" "What did you do in your life? did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business?" "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?" "You were last seen with a Mrs. ... who is (suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in demeaning disbelief))". I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you CAN hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination, or deposition phase, etc.

3. Being IN LOVE and LOVING

I am attracted to my inferiors (in money, stature, education, intelligence, physical looks, alternatives in life, career). This way I feel superior and assured of my narcissistic supply (adulation, attention, etc.).

The choice is unconscious. I am simply strongly incensed and repelled by my superiors or equals.

A clear and vigorous distinction has to be made between being "in love" and being in "love". The first is a catch phrase describing a set of physiological and biochemical interactions provoked and evoked by subliminal cues which, to my mind, ARE the result of childhood "imprinting". It involves flirting, courting, infatuation, arousal and other rather basic (primitive) behaviours and emotions. Primitive defence mechanisms are activated in this phase. Splitting (the object of infatuation is all good and, if you are rejected, all bad), projection (you see in him what you always fantasized), projective identification (you try to force the object to behave in a manner conforming with your fantasies) and so on.

There is very strong transference (you emotionally interact with your object as though he were someone else - your father, for instance).

Then, there is love. It is a whole different ballgame. It involves companionship, mutual compatibility, reciprocity, interaction on several planes (emotional, sexual, intellectual). It grows with common experiences.

It is fed by both hardships and successes. It gives rise to creativity (children, doing thing together). It is more profound, quieter, deeper, more stable, all-pervasive, reliable. It is more adult. I think that here childhood imprinting plays a smaller role. Adult considerations determine the choice, the process, and the outcome. I think it is very difficult to "control" our behaviour when it comes to whom we fall "in love" with. I think it is possible - spontaneously or through therapy - to develop a capacity for LOVING in the right, rewarding manner.

4. Inverted Narcissists ARE Narcissists

Inverted Narcissists ARE narcissists with a unique source of narcissistic supply (their narcissists). Their methods for extracting narcissistic supply from their source (from their narcissist) are unique.

Sufficiently unique in fact to warrant a special mental health category (which was already suggested a few decades ago under the name of "covert narcissism").

5. Masochism and Narcissism

The main issue, the differentiating factor is: WHY did the child say what it did (the last word)?

Is it because it craved punishment - or because it asserted itself?

And isn't seeking punishment a form of assertiveness and self-affirmation if one is a masochist"?

Author: Cheryl Glickauf-Hughes, in American Journal of Psychoanalysis, June 97, 57:2, pp 141-148):

"Masochists tend to defiantly assert themselves to the narcissistic parent in the face of criticism and even abuse. For example, one masochistic patient's narcissistic father told him as a child that if he said "one more word that he would hit him with a belt" and the patient defiantly responded to his father by saying "One more word!" Thus, what may appear, at times, to be masochistic or self-defeating behaviour may also be viewed as self-affirming behaviour on the part of the child toward the narcissistic parent."

6. Fulfilling Others' Dreams

Did you really want to do it or were you fulfilling someone's else's wishes (probably your parents)?

The biggest source of pain is when we are forced to live someone else's dream. It is through OUR dreams that we assuage our pain. If deprived of our dreams - our self is amputated and we have these phantom pains that we mistake for emotional pain. We grieve. We mourn ourselves, what we could have been, what we will never be. We become angry at the injustice of it all. Unable to punish the real culprits - we gang upon our inadequate selves.

I made millions and deliberately ruined my businesses many times in 20 years. Until I finally got the message: I DO NOT BELONG IN BUSINESS.

I want to read and write and learn. I HATE business. So, what I once used to interpret as self defeating or self destructive behaviour - I now know was an effort to salvage myself.