Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 21

1. Narcissistic Healing - through LOVE or through PAIN?
2. The Narcissist in Court
3. Being IN LOVE and LOVING
4. Inverted Narcissists ARE Narcissists
5. Masochism and Narcissism
6. Fulfilling Others' Dreams
7. Not to Feel Anything
8. The Presumption of Understanding the Narcissist - A Piece of Irony

1. Narcissistic Healing - through LOVE or through PAIN?

Narcissism is a continuum. I am referring to the personality disorder, not to narcissistic traits. I believe that the only way an NPD can heal is if he experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a LIFE crisis. Forced to shed his malfunctioning defences - a window of vulnerability is formed through which therapeutic intervention can try and sneak in. This window is very brief.

This window CANNOT COEXIST with the availability of narcissistic supply. The narcissist is susceptible to treatment ONLY when his defences are down because they FAIL to secure a steady stream of narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic supply should be clearly distinguished from an emotional connection. Narcissistic supply has to do with the functioning of primitive defence mechanisms in the narcissist. The affective component of the narcissist has been repressed to oblivion. It does not permeate the conscious level. The narcissist obtains narcissistic supply as a junkie obtains drugs.

Junkies can have emotional "connections" but they are always subordinated to their habit. Their connections are the victims of their habits. Ask children or spouses of alcoholics, or drug addicts.

I do not believe in the possibility of having any real, meaningful, or lasting emotional relationship with a narcissist - until his primitive defence mechanisms are discarded. Perturbed to non-existent interpersonal relationships are one of the criteria of most personality disorders.

So, the right order, to my mind, is:

1. Cut the narcissist from his sources of supply and thus precipitate a narcissistic crisis or injury
2. Utilize the window of opportunity to treat the narcissist, to help him mature emotionally
3. Encourage him in his baby steps in the emotional field.

Emotional connections which co-exist with the narcissistic defence mechanisms are part of the narcissistic theatrical repertoire, fake and doomed.

The narcissist does not employ his defence mechanisms because he needs them - but because he knows no better.

His defence mechanisms were useful in his infancy. They were adaptive in an abusive environment. Old tricks and old habits die hard.

The narcissist is a primitive person with a disorganized personality (Kernberg). He is likely to heal simply to avoid the pain of narcissistic injury. No place is safe. No one is to be trusted. Avoidance of pain is a powerful tool. Narcissists come to therapy in the first place to try and alleviate some of what has become an intolerable pain. None of them goes to therapy because he wants to improve his lot in life or to better interact with his loving significant other. This is why I am not in therapy. I am usually very successful in what I do (before I invariably demolish it). Thus, my agony is not great enough, not sustained, it is insufficient to motivate me to heal.

2. The Narcissist in Court

A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL pillar and the PSYCHOLOGICAL pillar of any cross-examination or deposition of a narcissist.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios which fit all the facts.

It is very easy to break a narcissist - even a well trained and prepared one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds irresistible:

1. Any statement or fact which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned, or dependent upon a third party. Any positioning of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any intimation that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
2. The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
3. The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.
4. Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique individuals, over and above the regular "bloke".
5. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.