5. In Defence of Narcissists

Fortunately, humanity is not a monolithic abstraction, or a dull formula. Its essence cannot be captured by symbolic representation. Humanity is elusive, it is diverse, it is vast. Without narcissists, or women, or blacks, or Jews, or Nazis, or the tribesmen of the Amazon - humanity would be a far less intriguing and successful proposition. It is in diversity that the secret of adaptation and survival lies. It is from adversity that resilience springs forth. We need narcissists because without them life itself would be - by definition - incomplete as narcissists are part of life. We need their drive to excel, their ruthlessness, their pathetic pursuit of our adulation, their neediness, their emotional immaturity - this is the stuff untrammeled ambition is made of. This is the stuff of life. Narcissists are beasts of prey lurking beneath a thin veneer of civilization. But it is thus that humanity first emerged. They are a reminder of our beginnings.

They are enamoured with their reflection, which is the reflection of us all. Staring deep into the lake that is our collective psyche, they reach for themselves, forever frustrated. Their death brings about a great flower of simple beauty. This is to teach us that in nature nothing is lost and everything has a reason, however cruel, however morally reprehensible, however tragic.

6. Narcissists Have Tables of Emotional Resonance

Narcissists are excellent at imitating emotions. They maintain (sometimes consciously) "resonance tables" in their minds. They monitor the reactions of others.

They see which behaviour, gesture, mannerism, phrase, or expression evoke, provoke, and elicit which kind of empathic reaction from their conversant or counter party. They map these correlations and store them. Then they download them in the right circumstances to obtain maximum impact and manipulative effect. The whole process is highly "computerised" and has NO emotional correlate, no INNER resonance. The narcissist uses procedures: this is what I should say now, this is how I must behave, this should be the expression on my face, this should be the pressure of this handshake to foster this reaction. Narcissists are capable of sentimentality - but not of (experiencing) emotions.

7. Contradictory Behaviours of Narcissists

To need to be loved is not synonymous to loving. The narcissist is looking for power, adulation, attention, affirmation, etc. This is called Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist experiences this as "love". But he is incapable of giving love back, of loving. And because he is afraid of being abandoned he initiates the abandonment. It gives him a feeling that the situation is under control, that he is the one who is doing the abandoning and that, therefore, it does not "qualify" as abandonment. He brings about his own abandonment to "get it over with" and to be able to say: "I made her leave me and good riddance. Had I not acted the way I did she would have stayed on."

A relationship is a contract. I provide intelligence, money, insight, fun, good company, status and so on. I expect Narcissistic Supply in return. The contract runs its natural course until it is terminated, as all business contracts do.

8. From "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

VERY free translation from the French:

"The Alchemist took in his hands one book which was brought by someone from the convoy. The book was not bound but anyway he could find the author's name: Oscar Wilde. Leafing through the pages he came across a story about Narcissus.

The Alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, the beautiful youth who used to daily observe his own beauty reflected in the waters of a lake. He was so blinded by his reflection that one day he fell into the lake and drowned. Where he drowned, a flower sprouted which was named after him, a narcissus. But the Oscar Wilde story did not end this way. According to him, after the death of Narcissus, the forest deities, the Oreads (The author is mistaken.

The Oreads were mountain deities - SV), came ashore this sweet water lake and found it transformed into an urn filled with bitter tears.
- Why are you crying? Asked the Oreades.
- I am crying for Narcissus - the lake answered.
- That doesn't surprise us at all, they said. We often chased him in these woods in vain. Only you could observe his beauty closely.
- Was Narcissus beautiful? Asked the lake.
- And who else can know this better than you? Answered the Oreads, amazed. Didn't he bend over your waters every day!
The lake remained speechless for a moment. After that it said:
- I am crying for Narcissus but I have never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I am crying for him because every time he bent over my waters, I could have seen deep in the bottom of his eyes the reflection of my own beauty.
This is truly a nice story, the Alchemist said."