3. Living with a Narcissist

You cannot change people, not in the real, profound, deep sense. You can only adapt to them and adapt them to you. If you do find her rewarding at times - you should do two things, in my opinion:

1. Determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you adapt to her (=accept her AS SHE IS) AND to which extent and in which ways would you like her to adapt to you (=accept you as you are). Act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest.
   Change in you what you are willing and able to change - and ignore the rest.
   It is sort of an unwritten contract of co-existence (could well be a written one, if you are more formally inclined).
2. Try to maximize the number of times that "...her walls are down", that you "..find her totally fascinating and everything I desire." What makes her behave this way? Is it something that YOU say or do? Is it preceded by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to make her behave this way more often?

4. Leaving a Narcissist

You have a choice: you can either have justice - or be wise.

It is true that the predictor of future violence is past violence and, therefore, if he didn't beat you in the past, he is, probably, not likely to do so in the future.

But "your" narcissist is, perhaps, afflicted with other mental problems and substance abuse.

I would inform him, in his next phone call, that, out of courtesy, you let him know that this is the last phone call you are responding to. You will ignore any further attempt to communicate with you. Don't threaten. Be factual and MEAN what you are saying, be convincing.

Tell him that you would not like to ever see him again OR hear from him again and that - if he promises to let go - you promise to let go and forget the whole thing.

Needless to say that if he does stalk you - you should contact the Police.

5. Cognitive Distortions and the Narcissist

Narcissists are pathological liars (sometimes absolutely unnecessarily).

Narcissists suffer from severe cognitive distortions. No narcissist will admit that he has been rejected. They regard themselves as so wonderful, unique, irresistible - that they block out any information to the contrary.

They employ both negative filters (which keep out information which contradicts their False Self). But they also employ positive-enhancing filters. These filter in information congruent and commensurate with the narcissist's distorted and false image of himself AND amplify, enhance, or strengthen the information thus accepted.

In other words, if the narcissist believes himself to be sexually irresistible - he ignores and represses any behaviour by others and anything said to him which would contradict this belief. On the other hand and concurrently, he collects all the behaviours, reactions, responses and cues - verbal or not - that tend to affirm and confirm his self image.

And, then he proceeds to MAGNIFY the latter.

Example:

If a girl tells him: "I am not really interested in having a relationship with you, I am happy with my boyfriend" - this is ignored, erased, repressed, and deleted. The narcissist vehemently denies that this has ever been said and will be genuinely surprised if proof to the contrary (e.g., recording) were to be produced.

If the same girl accepts his invitation to grab a snack during lunch break - the narcissist inflates her acceptance into full scale enthusiasm and a natural reaction to his own irresistibility. In his imagination, her acceptance is tantamount almost to actually having had sex with her.

Nothing to do with narcissists but get away from them.

Narcissists are very charming and enticing. They have a lot of goodies to offer to their satellites: illusions of grandeur, a bright future, promotion, perfection, brilliance, unending love, power, an outlet to their vile, negative emotions, a licence to meanness and pettiness, the pleasures of nihilism. Co-dependents (including the Inverted Narcissist variety - see FAQ 66) are natural prey to the narcissist-predator.

The narcissist's is a corrupt kingdom of emotional wheeling-dealing, back-stabbing, double dealing, and double crossing. The narcissist subliminally, covertly and overtly, bribes the members of his entourage, moulds them, corrupts them, mutates them, exploits, abuses, and wields over them the threat of being discarded.

These temptations are hard to resist. These threats are hard to ignore.

He offers the same commodities to his superiors. The same bait is used to get the big fish as well as the smallest. A consummate fisher of souls, the narcissist.