6. Imitated Empathy

Narcissists are adept at imitating emotions. If narcissistic supply can be obtained by imitating empathy, compassion, caring, and understanding - the narcissist will immediately become THE most empathic, caring, compassionate and understanding person in the world. But he does not genuinely experience any of this.

Of course, it is morally preferable to extract narcissistic supply from others by helping them, caring for them and empathizing with them - then by tormenting them or brutalizing them. It is a discovery I have made for myself. I implement this new found knowledge. I derive narcissistic supply from my readers and, in return, I do my best to help and express empathy.

Some narcissists indeed have problems with their body. They depersonalize - they do not feel connected to their body or or have wrong body self-perceptions. But many don't. I tend to agree that the first step on the road to self-acceptance and self-love should have to do with he narcissist's body. Self loathing is often "somatized", felt as a physical, or sexual issue by the narcissist.

NPD being ALL-pervasive INCORPORATES these attitudes (of self-loathing and self-destruction) gradually as well. Self defeating and self destructive behaviours are INSTRUMENTS in the service of NPD (as is the intellect, for instance).

They might have separate psychodynamic origins, though. Maybe the same phenomena (abuse) gave rise to both the NPD and the self destructive behaviours, but the NPD took over. It is an ORGANIZATIONAL principle. It is a form of (dis)organization of the ENTIRE personality and all behaviours (including self destructive ones) are PART OF the personality (even if it is disordered).

I think that I AM NPD. I have a disordered personality. I AM disordered. The level of organization of my personality is low. There is NOTHING outside my disorder. It colours all my life. In the words of the DSM: it is ALL-PERVASIVE.

You think that I have a personality and that only CERTAIN aspects of it are disordered.

The DSM, of course, supports my contention:

NPD - as defined there - is ALL pervasive. The disorder IS the patient.

ALL my varied reactions to this persistent, cruel, and recurrent abuse have COALESCED into the NPD. It's like a dynamic pattern of reactions - the very definition of the concept of "personality".

I think the differences between love and infatuation are both objective and subjective.

Objective - for instance, in the duration of the relationship. Infatuation is short term. If it last for years, perhaps it is love (or obsession).

Subjective - I think the emphasis in love is much less on the sexual dimensions and more on the emotional and companionship dimensions.

So, I used the word "love" above judiciously. I was referring to very long term relationships. The length of time and the number of tests the relationship withstood do not seem to diminish the uncertainty experienced by the narcissist. He is forever waiting for the axe to fall.

8. In Pursuit of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists are forever in pursuit of narcissistic supply. They know no past or future, are not constrained by any behavioural consistency, "rules" of conduct, or moral considerations. You signalled to him that you were a willing source - and he extracted his supply from you. This is a reflex. He would have reacted absolutely the same way to any other source. If what is needed to obtain supply from you is intimations of intimacy - he will employ them liberally.

Reactions that tend to increase your functionality and your awareness of reality (reality test) are healthy. It would be advisable to act to minimize the dissonance and the resulting anxiety and unease. This can be achieved by abandoning him emotionally, as well as physically.

9. The Deception that is the Narcissist

This is the most prominent "emotion" narcissists experience: the fear of being "exposed". They feel that they are elaborate deceptions, intricate concoctions, stage-plays, movies, facades, Potemkin humans. That any minute, the "real thing", the "real intellectual", the "real person" will come and denude them, reveal to the world what they are: that they are NOT. Non-beings. Willing themselves into delusional existence, the nightmares of deranged inner divinities.

Let me tell you two secrets:

One, there are no "real" things, or people, or intellectuals. You are as real as it gets.

Two, You are so transparent that you do not have to fear exposure.

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 18