Self-Destructing Narcissists - Excerpts Part 16 - Self-Destructing Narcissists

Written by Sam Vaknin

These contraptions serve a dual purpose:

They legitimize self defeating and self destructive behaviors by replacing the perceived TARGET of these behaviors. For instance, I told myself and others that I refused to come back because I was afraid of my enemies there and especially of one particular person. That person probably scarcely heard of me and had no reason in the world to be my enemy. But once I singled him out, that was it. I unilaterally judged him to be a vile, corrupt, and dangerous foe and I behaved accordingly by "avoiding" his territory and by trying to undermine him.

The second function is to prospectively legitimize any and all acts and decisions intended to prevent emotional involvement. "Whenever I get (emotionally) involved, I create enemies and hurt myself. So, why should I get involved?" Cloaked in the mantle of "self preservation" and the pursuit of one's best interest, this kind of reasoning, based on totally fabricated figments of the narcissist's thwarted imagination - leads once more to self destruction.

2. The Fear of Being Loved

I know I am loved by many.

BUT

I don't feel loveable at all.

I attribute the FACT that people love me to their stupidity, naiveté, gullibility, ignorance, or pathology.

Had they known me, the REAL me - I assure myself - they would have never been able to love me.

As it is, it is only a question of time before they get to know me better and turn to hatred and repulsion.

So, I am on a constant state of alert, awaiting the inevitable rejection/abandonment and trying to maintain my image (false self) half-heartedly (this being a doomed effort).

3. Narcissists Feel Deceitful

Narcissists very often feel like criminals. Being, in essence, FAKES, they are deeply convinced of their culpability. They feel as though they are constantly engaged in a major scam, deceiving their nearest and dearest. This conviction stems from the primordial sin of their emotional auto-cide. Prone to neologisms, I invented this word recently to describe the murder of the True Self by its False distant relative. The guilt fostered by this act festers and yields a rich concoction of fear and self loathing.

Kafka described an inexplicable, arbitrary universe in which punishment is meted out for no apparent crime. The punishment is the trial itself: its indefiniteness, its vagueness, its ambiguity, the equivocation of all of its participants, its rigid structure which serves to cover a void, an emotional black hole, sucking the vitality and functionality of the defendant. This is a typical narcissistic reaction. Narcissists compartmentalize their life.

While upholding sadistically rigid and ideal moral standards in one area (e.g., money) - they are capable of behaving immorally in another area (sex, for instance) while, all the time, claiming the moral high ground.

4. Healing through Hatred

It is more difficult to hate someone because of what he IS - than because of what he DID.

A non-abuser may be deserving of a generalized sort of repulsion or reticence (call it hate, if you wish) - but the abuser DID things to you. He is deserving of a focused, directed, intensive hate.

A tremendous difference.

Philosophically, morally, ethically (and legally) one should not confuse impulses with responsibility.

That we have no control over our actions diminishes our responsibility.

But drives ARE controllable. So are impulses. The control can be primitive (fear) or high level (a moral conviction). Had you really felt that the abuser had no control over what he did, you would not have hated him. That you hate him is PROOF that he had control over his actions. Hate is the direct result of culpability. Do we hate tornadoes? Do we hate sandstorms or avalanches or timely and dignified death? We hate disease because we intuitively feel that there MUST be something we can do or could have done about it. We feel GUILTY. We hate collapsing bridges and train accidents - because they can be PREVENTED. Not perversely, we feel that they are AVOIDABLE.

We hate what could have been prevented by the exercise of judgment, including moral judgment, emotional judgment (love), or rational considerations.