5. Narcissists Hate Happy People

Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness and, in short, life itself.

The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):

First, there is pathological envy.

The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location...

Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing which reminds narcissists of the totality of their envious experiences than happiness. They lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and life of those around him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, the fount, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with the reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers, and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit and remit of his control, or initiative.

Moreover, the narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

The narcissist often says to people he made unhappy:

"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist".

The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves its cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah?".

Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control.

The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. The narcissist suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him, nor by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy, and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

And the victims of the narcissist?

We hate the perpetrator of abuse also because he made us hate ourselves. Trying to avert the ultimate act of self-hatred, trying to avoid self liquidation, we "kill" ourselves symbolically by denying ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings. It is an act of magic, a ritual of exorcism, a transubstantiation, a black eucharist of hate. By denying our selves we deny our only possible savior, our only feasible solution and absolution: our selves. We thus hope to avoid confronting the unthinkable, feeling the impossible, committing the irreversible. But, inevitably, it backfires. We feel rage, helplessness, self-contempt, weakness and the temptation of requiting our misery once and for all.

The victims of the narcissist are, thus, unhappy people to start with.

6. Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be interpreted as an extreme form of projective identification, a primitive defense mechanism. The abuser gets in touch with his weaker, needier, younger, immature, dependent, helpless part - the part that he derides, hates and fears - by having sex with a child. A child is weak, and needy, and young, and immature, and dependent, and helpless. Having sex with a child is a mode of communication. The abuser connects to these areas in himself that he abhors, holds in contempt, loathes, and is terrified of, the fault lines of his precariously balanced personality.

The child is forced to play these parts - neediness, dependence, helplessness - by the abuser. The sexual act is an act of auto-erotic narcissism (especially between a parent and his off-spring), an act of having intercourse with one's self. But it also an act of cruel subjugation and submission, a sadistic act of humiliation. The abuser symbollically humbles these parts in himself that he hates, through the agency of the abused child. Sex is to the abuser an instrument of dominance, a transformation of extreme aggression directed at the abuser's self but through a child.

The more "stereotypical" the child - the more "valuable" (appealing) it is to the abuser. If not helpless, needy, weak, dependent, and submissive - the child loses his or her value and function.