Narcissist and Total Institutions - Excerpts Part 12 - Co-Dependents and Narcissists

Written by Sam Vaknin

10. Forms of Aggression

Cynical humour, brutal honesty, scathing remarks, boredom, detachment, rage, pathological envy, suicidal ideation, self-berating and self-effacement - are all forms of aggression transformed and directed inwardly or outwardly. A narcissist ignored is a narcissist whose very existence is cast in doubt. He feels threatened. He reacts with fear and its attaching drive, aggression (a "fight or flight" response).

11. Narcissist the Sadist

There are many ways of being sadistic. A resounding silence is one of them. Often the voice of the narcissist is so well embedded in his victims that he no longer needs to say anything. His voice is internalized (very much as the voices of our parents and other meaningful caregivers and adults are supposedly internalized in our superego during our formative years).

12. Somatic versus Cerebral Narcissists

A somatic narcissist uses his/her body to seduce. It is the act of seduction that matters, not the actual physical sex that sometimes follows. In other words: the somatic narcissist derives his/her narcissistic supply more from his ability to discernibly influence others (=tease) than from actual sex (let alone, from a romance, or a relationship). This is so much like histrionic PD (HPD) that I once suggested that HPD was, in effect, NPD where the source of Narcissistic Supply was the body.

(In the following sentences male=female)

A somatic narcissist might also derive his NS from cultivating his body, observing his nutrition and health (up to the point of developing an eating disorder - see FAQ 65- and hypochondriasis), exercising, competitive sports. In short: anything related to the body.

Somatic narcissists are often infidel and serial lovers.

13. The Narcissist and the Therapist

The Narcissist thinks (and often says aloud):

"I know best, I know it all, my therapist is bound to be less intelligent than I, I can't afford the top level therapists who are the only ones qualified to treat me (as my intellectual equals), I am actually a therapist myself...."

This is a litany of self delusion and fantastic grandeur (really, the manifestation of defences and resistances).

"He should be my colleague, in certain respects HE should accept my professional authority, why won't he be friends with me, after all I can use the lingo (psycho-babble) even better than he can? It's US (I and he) against the ignorant world."

Then there is:

"Just who does he think he is asking me all these questions?"

"What are his professional credentials? I am a success and he is a nobody therapist in a dingy office, he is trying to negate my uniqueness, he is an authority figure, I hate him, I will show him, I will humiliate him, prove him ignorant, have his licence revoked (transference)."

"Actually, he is pitiable, a zero, a failure ..."

And all this - in the first three therapy sessions...

14. Being Nice to Others

Narcissists (full fledged, etc.) are nice to others if:

1. They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you, and then come out with the "small favour" they need, or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about my performance .." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").

1. They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.

1. They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and generous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable angelic credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. The recipient are not relevant, a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self contented infatuation with his False Self.

It is transient. Victims tend to "thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for awhile.