13. Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviours

These behaviors can be grouped by the following motivations:

(1) The Self-Punishing, Guilt-Purging Behaviors

These are intended to inflict punishment upon the individual and thus to provide him with relief.

This is very reminiscent of compulsive-ritualistic behavior. The person harbors guilt. It could be an "ancient" guilt, "sexual" guilt (Freud), "social" guilt - but guilt it is. The person internalized and introjected voices of meaningful others that consistently and convincingly and from positions of authority informed him that he is no good, guilty, deserving of punishment or retaliation, corrupt. His life is thus transformed into an on-going trial. The constancy of this trial, the never adjourning tribunal IS the punishment. It is Kafka's "trial": meaningless, undecipherable, never-ending, without a verdict, subject to mysterious laws, and run by arbitrary judges.

(2) The Extracting Behaviors

People with PDs are very afraid of real, mature, intimacy. Intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but in a workplace, in a neighbourhood, with friends, while working in a team on a project. Intimacy is another word for emotional involvement which is the result of interactions in constant and predictable (safe) proximity. PDs interpret intimacy (not DEPENDENCE - but intimacy) as strangulation, the snuffing of freedom, death in installments. They are terrorized by it. Their self destructive and self defeating acts are intended to dismantle the very foundation of a successful relationship, a career, a project, a friendship. NPDs, for instance, feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these "chains". They feel they broke through a siege, that are liberated and free at last.

(3) The Default Behaviors

We are all afraid of new situations, new possibilities, new challenges, new circumstances, and new demands. Being healthy, being successful, getting married, becoming a mother, or a boss - are abrupt breaks with the past. Some self defeating behaviors are intended to preserve the past, to restore it, to protect it from the winds of change, to decimate the draught through the open window of opportunity.

14. Narcissism not Curable?

Narcissism is a structure of the WHOLE personality. It is ALL-pervasive. It is akin to being an alcoholic but MUCH more so. Alcoholism is an impulsive behavior. Narcissists have these reckless behaviours plus hundreds of other problems. Wife beating is a behavior. Narcissists have dozens of impulsive behaviors, some of them uncontrollable (like their rage or behaviors which are the results of their grandiosity). On the other hand to be a (non kleptomanic) thief is to have a vocation - how can one compare something as superficial as a vocation to the structure of one's personality? You CAN compare narcissism to depression or to other disorders. But not to traits or attributes that we can change at will.

My narcissism is no more "curable" than the entirety of my personality is disposable. I AM a narcissist. Narcissism is the colour of my skin, not my choice of subjects at the university.

15. Narcissism and Culture

Karen Horney was amongst the first to point out that NPD is defined within a cultural context. While I know of NO culture which condones NPD - I can CONCEIVE of one. But, I think it should not matter to us. We are living in an increasingly Westernized world, we are Westerners, our problems are here and now and we label them NPD. That one culture's problem can be another's assets is the staff moral and cultural relativism is made of.

What matters is CONFORMITY to norms. We define norms STATISTICALLY. We have no other choice. There is too much disparity of opinion regarding culture, the "right" norms, morality, and "proper" behavior. So, we sample the population, determine what is statistically normal (not DESIRABLE - but normal) and compare behavior patterns to these statistical benchmarks. If someone deviates from our norms - then he is a deviant, a patient, mentally sick, and so on.

Funny that psychology started differently: by holding forth a model of the "healthy" person and comparing it to PATIENTS. In other words: psychologists defined people as patients simply because they came to see them with a complaint and did not fit an idealized model of the healthy, functional person.

Today, the approach is culturally-sensitive. A person needs help if he does not feel well AFTER ADJUSTING for his cultural and societal idiosyncracies.