Coping with Stalking and Stalkers - Dealing with Stalkers

Written by Dr. Sam Vaknin

Bullies are insincere, haughty, unreliable, and lack empathy and sensitivity to the emotions, needs, and preferences of others whom they regard and treat as objects or instruments of gratification.

Bullies are ruthless, cold, and have alloplastic defences (and outside locus of control) - they blame others for their failures, defeats, or misfortunes. Bullies have low frustration and tolerance thresholds, get bored and anxious easily, are violently impatient, emotionally labile, unstable, erratic, and untrustworthy. They lack self-discipline, are egotistic, exploitative, rapacious, opportunistic, driven, reckless, and callous.

Bullies are emotionally immature and control freaks. They are consummate liars and deceivingly charming. Bullies dress, talk, and behave normally. Many of them are persuasive, manipulative, or even charismatic. They are socially adept, liked, and often fun to be around and the centre of attention. Only a prolonged and intensive interaction with them - sometimes as a victim - exposes their dysfunctions.

Though ruthless and, typically, violent, the psychopath is a calculating machine, out to maximise his gratification and personal profit. Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be sadistic - but understand well and instantly the language of carrots and sticks.

Best coping strategy

• Convince your psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly;
• Do not threaten him. Simply, be unequivocal and firm about your desire to be left in peace and your intentions to involve the Law should he stalk, harass, or threaten you;
• Give him a choice between being left alone and becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining orders, and worse;
• Take extreme precautions at all times and meet him accompanied by someone and in public places - and only if you have no other choice;
• Minimise contact and interact with him through professionals (lawyers, accountants, therapists, police officers, judges);
• Document every contact, every conversation, try to commit everything to writing. You may need it as evidence;
• Educate your children to be on their guard and to exercise caution and good judgement;
• Keep fully posted and updated your local law enforcement agencies, your friends, the media, and anyone else who would listen;
• Be careful with your personal information. Provide only the bare and necessary minimum. Remember: he has ways of finding out;
• Under no circumstances succumb to his romantic advances, accept his gifts, respond to personal communications, show interest in his affairs, help him out, or send him messages directly or through third parties. Maintain the No Contact rule;
• Equally, do not seek revenge. Do not provoke him, "punish him", taunt him, disparage him, bad-mouth or gossip about him or your relationship.

How to get help in coping with stalkers and paranoid former spouses or relatives is the subject of the next article.

next: Coping with Stalking and Stalkers - Getting Help