Chapter 6, The Soul of a Narcissist, The State of the Art - Narcissist and Love

Written by Dr. Sam Vaknin

The narcissist much prefers to be admired or loved because of narcissistic circumstances ("She loves my power, my fame, my money").

Instead of having to cope with the management of the emotional side of his relationships - he can now deal with the more familiar territory of managing his PNSS. In the narcissist's ideal world, emotions would fame or wealth automatically with no need to invest in them or to maintain them.

Next the narcissist prefers to be loved because of his unusual personal history ("He is such an amazing man, his life is like a movie, it is so interesting"). Loving him for what he is - is perceived by the narcissist to be a threat ("How many men had she told that they are very clever, that their smile is heart melting, or that they have a great sense of humour? - in other words, how unique am I?" - he asks himself).

But this order of priorities subjects the narcissist to immense pressure. If he fails to "deliver" PNSS the whole foundation of his relationships could collapse. He feels that he is "letting down" his partner if he fails to guarantee the constant existence of PNSS. He feels pressurised to achieve more, to pursue additional PNSSs, to secure their constant and stable functioning once achieved. If he fails in doing so the narcissist feels ashamed, censored, humiliated, and guilty.

Moreover, to maintain and reinforce his uniqueness, the narcissist must be with a partner he deems unique. He superimposes his fantastic notions of uniqueness on his partner. He revels in her illusory specialness as a major contribution to his own.

To him, the very fact that she chose him indicates that he is special. He might say: "My wife was a beauty queen. She could have been with any guy she wanted, yet she chose me."

The narcissist feels good with his mate only when the narcissistic circumstances are good and the Narcissistic Supply is abundant. This is because his partner does not exist as a separate entity. She fulfils a function of mirroring (reflection). She continuously reflects to the narcissist the state of his Narcissistic Supply.

The emotional content of the relationship changes in accordance with the flux of Narcissistic Supply. Any effort on her part to alter her role or to augment it; any time she ceases to behave as a function, or as an object - ends in conflict with the narcissist and in aggression transformed and expressed through narcissistic rage.

The narcissist's romantic relationships deplete his energy. They exhaust the narcissist to the point of looking for external sources of energy (additional PNSSs). The narcissist uses the (narcissistic) energy provided by PNSSs to cope with his partner. This is a reversal of the natural state of things in which a loving relationship generates energy in both partners.

Having a relationship with a woman also contradicts the wish to remain a child (the Peter Pan Syndrome) prevalent among narcissists. The narcissist uses others and cajoles them into giving him shelter, affection, warmth, understanding and unconditional acceptance. This is exactly what he missed in his childhood.

But he achieves all that by remaining a child, by being irresponsible, naughty and overly curious. One cannot maintain the dual roles of child and adult at the same time. Such duality leads to a failure to maintain adult relationships. Lack of emotional maturity also obstructs the formation of relationships. Children, for instance, cannot be expected to have a sustained sexual relationship or to sire children.

To the narcissist there are a few preferable modes of sexual activity:

First, there is the anonymous, random, transactional (and autoerotic) kind of sex. The narcissist has few problems with it because, in these encounters, he does not exist. This is what characterises group sex, masturbation, and sex with minors, paedophilia, or sexual fantasy (all with totally controlled objects).

This type of sexual activities has a lot in common with publicity-seeking. Both involve exhibitionism (physical in the case of group sex - biographical in the case of publicity).

Exhibitionism is about being reflected (and, thus, defined) by an observer. In orgies, for instance, the participants are usually anonymous - as are the consumers of interviews in the mass media. Anonymity guarantees the avoidance of intimacy or commitment. All the players are objects, or functions.

This kind of sexual intercourse represents transformations of aggression and, at times, involves sadistic and masochistic activities. It non-conformist, leads to a sense of complete freedom, and, thus, is kind of a rebellion.

Objective sex also has strong autoerotic undertones. The participant is sexually stimulated by witnessing his reflection in the eyes of all other participants. This is doubly true, of course, in the case of masturbation and incest. These are the modalities of sex most preferred by the narcissist because they involve anonymity, no emotional dimension, and the objectification of his partners.