Money and possessions represent power, they are love substitutes, they are mobile and disposable on short notice. They constitute an inseparable part of a Pathological Narcissistic Space and are a determinant of FEGO. The narcissist assimilates them and identifies with them. This is why he is so traumatised by their loss or depreciation. They provide him with the certainty and safety that he feels nowhere else. They are familiar, predictable, and controllable. There is no danger involved in emotionally investing in them.

Suzanne Forward distinguishes the narcissist from the sadist, the sociopath and the misogynist with respect to their attitudes towards women. She says that the narcissist "goes through" many women in order to replenish his SNSS (to convert her words to my terminology).

The narcissist lives with his spouse only as long as she fully caters to his narcissistic needs through accumulation and adoration. The narcissist's misogyny and his sadism are a result of his fear of being abandoned (the recreation of earlier traumas) and not the result of his narcissism. A narcissist with an ideal, sadistic, rigid, primitive, and punishing Superego inevitably becomes antisocial and lacking in morals and in conscience.

Here lies the difference. The narcissist treats women the way he does in order to weaken them and to make them dependent on him so as to prevent them from abandoning him. He uses a variety of techniques to undermine the sources of his partner's strengths: her healthy sexuality, supportive family, thriving career, self-esteem and self-image, sound mental health, proper reality test, good friends, and social circle.

Once deprived of all these, the narcissist remains his partner's only available source of authority, interest, meaning, feeling and hope. A woman thus denuded of her network of support is highly unlikely to abandon the narcissist. Her state of dependence is fostered by his unpredictable behaviours, which cause her to react with fear and phobic hesitation.

The narcissist needs women and that's why he hates them. It is his dependence on women that he resents and detests. The misogynist hates women, humiliates them, scorns them and despises them - but he does not need them.

One last point: sex leads to intimacy. However minimal this intimacy is, the narcissist is bound to experience as abandonment every interruption of a sexual relationship. He feels lonely and annulled. This has to do with the absence of the SNSS's defining look. The longing is so great that the narcissist is driven to finding a substitute. This substitute is another SNSS.

Each narcissist has a profile of his preferred SNSS. It reflects the predilections of the narcissist and the matrix of his pathological needs. But a few things are common to all potential women SNSS:

They must not be garrulous, they must be slow, inferior in some important respect, submissive, with an aesthetic appearance, intelligent but passive, admiring, emotionally available, dependent and either simple or femme fatale. They are not the narcissist's type if they are critical, independently thinking, demonstrate superiority, sophistication, personal autonomy, or provide unsolicited advice or opinions. The narcissist forms no relationships with such women.

Having spotted the "right profile", the narcissist sees if he is sexually attracted to the woman. If he is, he proceeds to condition her using a variety of measures: sex, money, assumption of responsibilities, fostering sexual, emotional, existential and operational uncertainties (followed by bouts of relief on her part as conflicts are resolved), grandiose gestures, expressions of interest, of need and of dependence (mistakenly interpreted by the woman to mean deep emotions), grandiose plans, idealisation, demonstrations of unlimited trust (but no sharing of decision making powers), encouraging feelings of uniqueness and of pseudo-intimacy, and childlike behaviour.

Dependence is formed and a new SNSS is born.

The last phase is the SNSS transaction. The narcissist extracts from his partner adulation, narcissistic accumulation and submissiveness. In turn, he undertakes to continue to condition his partner using the same measures. Concurrently, he activates the Wunderkind mask in anticipation of abandonment.

In this sort of relationship, the narcissist does not ensure stability, emotional or sexual exclusivity, or emotional and spiritual sharing. He is not intimate with his partner and there is no real exchange of trust, information, experience, or opinions. Such relationships are limited to sexual compatibility, common decision-making, long-term planning, and common property. Narcissists rarely have children with their spouses - rather they make children for their spouses.

All this leads to the inevitable: a dilapidation of the energy of the SNSS (who keeps giving of herself emotionally without receiving much in return), pain and hurt, the end of sexual and emotional exclusivity and abandonment.

The narcissist always prefers a woman to any other type of SNSS (example: to business). She requires less long-term investment and is easier to "train". Moreover, she is often motivated to be conditioned. She wants to supply the narcissist and, thus, to keep the flame burning.

The world of business, in contrast, is indifferent to the narcissist and to his often marginal activities. Additionally, women are far better at reliably regulating the narcissist's flow of Narcissistic Supply.

Both functions (stabilisation-accumulation and adulation) are thus found in one and the same NSS - a woman. This allows the narcissist to focus his efforts on a single object. Naturally, this creates greater dependence and greater risk of abandonment but the savings in energy are worth it as far as the narcissist is concerned.

next: Chapter 9, The Soul of a Narcissist, The State of the Art