Chapter 2, The Soul of a Narcissist, The State of the Art - Sex and The Narcissist

Written by Dr. Sam Vaknin

It is this sorry paradox - the narcissist is the instrument of his own punishment - that comprises the essence of narcissism. The narcissist is Sisyphically doomed to repeat the same cycle of pretension, wrath and hatred.

The narcissist is afraid to introspect. For, had he done so, he would have discovered a both dismaying and comforting truth: he is in need of no one on a long-term basis. Other people are, to him, just short-term solutions.

Avid protestations to the contrary notwithstanding, the narcissist is expedient and exploitative in his relationships. Denying this, he often marries for the wrong reasons: to calm his troubled soul, to pacify himself by conforming socially.

But the narcissist does not need companionship or emotional support, let alone true partnership. There is no beast on earth more self-sufficient than a narcissist. Years of unpredictability in his relationships with meaningful others, early on abuse, sometimes decades of violence, aggression, instability and humiliation - have eroded the narcissist's trust in others to the point of disappearance. The narcissist knows that he can rely only on one stable, unconditional source of love and nurturance: on himself.

True, when in need of reassurance (e.g., in crisis situations), the narcissist seeks friendship. But while normal people seek friends for companionship and support - the narcissist uses up his friends the way the sick consume medication or the hungry food. Here, too, a basic pattern emerges: to the narcissist, other people are objects to be used and tossed away. Here, too, he proves discontinuous and unavailable.

Moreover, the narcissist can make do with very little. If he has a spouse - why should he seek the added burden of friends? Other people to the narcissist are what a yoke is to the ox - a burden. He cannot fathom reciprocity in human relations. He is easily bored with other people's lives, their problems and solicitations. The need to maintain his relationships drains him.

Having fulfilled their function (by listening to the narcissist, by asking his advice in an ego-inflating manner, by admiring him) - others would do best to vanish until they are needed again. The narcissist feels encumbered when asked to reciprocate. Even the most basic human interaction requires a display of his grandiosity and consumes time and energy in careful dramatic preparations.

The narcissist limits his social encounters to situations which yield net energy contributions (Narcissistic Supply). Interacting with others involves the expenditure of energy. Narcissists are willing to oblige on condition that they are able to extract Narcissistic Supply (attention, adulation, celebrity, sex) sufficient to outweigh the energy they had expended.

This "perpetuum mobile" cannot be maintained for long. The narcissist's milieu (really, entourage) feels drained and bored and his social circle dwindles. When this happens, the narcissist springs to life and, using the vast resources of his undeniable personal charm, he recreates a social circle, knowing full well that it - in due course - will also take its leave and dissolve in disgust.

The narcissist is either terrified by the thought of children or absolutely fascinated by it. A child, after all, is the ultimate Source of Narcissistic Supply. It is unconditionally adoring, worshipping and submissive. But it is also a demanding thing and it tends to divert attention from the narcissist. A child devours time, energy, emotions, resources, and attention. The narcissist can easily be converted to the view that a child is a competitive menace, a nuisance, utterly unnecessary.

These make for a very shaky foundation of marital life. The narcissist does not need or seek companionship or friendship. He does not mix sex and emotions. He finds it hard to make love to someone that he "loves". He ultimately abhors his children and tries to limit and confine them to the role of Narcissistic Supply Sources. He is a bad friend, lover and father. He is likely to divorce many times (if he ever gets married) and to end up in a series of monogamous (if he is cerebral) or polygamous (if he is somatic) relationships.

Most narcissists had a functioning parent, but one that was indifferent to them and used them for his or her own narcissistic ends. Narcissists tend to breed narcissists and perpetuate their condition. The conflict with the frustrating parent is carried forward and reconstructed in intimate relationships. The narcissist directs all the major transformations of aggression towards his spouse, partner, and friends. He hates, hates to admit it, sublimates and explodes in an occasional outburst of rage.

The more intimate the relationship, the more the other party has to lose by severing it, the more dependent the narcissist's partner is on the relationship and on the narcissist - the more likely is the narcissist to be aggressive, hostile, envious, and hating. This serves a dual function: as an outlet for pent-up aggression and as a kind of test.

The narcissist is putting meaningful people in his life to a constant test: will they accept him "as he is", however obnoxious? In other words, do people love him for what he really is - or are they infatuated with the image that he so elaborately projects? The narcissist cannot understand - or believe - that as far as normal people go, the difference between who they "really" are and their public persona is negligible. In his case, the gap between the two is so substantial that he resorts to extreme means to ascertain which of the two do people around him really love - or, rather, who is it that they profess to love: the False Self or the real person.