QUESTION:

Doctor Heller-

I hope you can give me a clue.... I'm a 35 yr old single mom of a 15 yr old girl, and have a very successful sales career. I have been dating a 32 yr old whom still lives at home with his parents. This took a few weeks to uncover. I for the most part date older men 10-15 yrs. my senior due to obviously maturity level (but not always). Anyhow, this relationship seemed rather unique from the start. Now that we are into our 3rd month, I see more and more of what seems to be a lot of insecurity, needing constant reassurance with repeated questions and topics over and over within the same evening into days later. He started using the L word 2 months into the relationship.

Whenever I have direct pointed questions/concerns he manages to turn it around and gets totally defensive. This can also happen just from trying to teach him some tennis strokes, which by the way he recently started to play. I noticed that although I have met his parents once in the very beginning at a family restaurant party, it's a subject he doesn't want to talk about and quickly squashes. If his parents page him. he will call from his cell at my home with simple...yeap...nope...yeap. nope!!!! ....never a real conversation... Recently he started to tell me about these headaches that he has on record at work as a medical condition, but he wouldn't say what it was?....He seems to have to different personalities when he slightly thinks he is being thought of with any inferiority.

My concern became more apparent as we were discussing being home still at the age of 32 and never having had left or any meaningful relationship. He says he keeps everything to himself, I don't even remember his parents names. And with regard to still living at home he says one would need a good reason to leave..... When none of this made sense to me........He says.... What if your child has a medical condition would you put him ........OUT?................... HELP??????????

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

I obviously don’t know what the diagnoses are, but clearly you’re heading for grief. With rare exception people are on the "best behavior" early in relationships. There’s a high likelihood this relationship is heading for lots of pain on your part. It’s possible the relationship will over time be worth it, but it will be emotionally very expensive, and it could easily be damaging to your daughter.

According to Dr. Willard Harley and his sensational book "His Needs, Her Needs," two of the five most important needs a woman has are conversation and honesty/openness.  Unless things change dramatically, you’re likely heading for a long period of frustration.

Most women would not allow themselves to get caught up in this kind of relationship, so there may be some issues on your part as to why you’re trying so hard with a person you already can’t accept for who he is. I strongly recommend you read "Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis and do my screening test for yourself.   Sometimes we look for answers in other people that we really need to find in ourselves.

Almost everyone wants love, peace, happiness, and serenity.  It seems unlikely you’re going to get those things under these circumstances.

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