QUESTION:

Dr. Heller, I am a physician who 'hooked up' with a borderline as a junior medical student 11 years ago. It has been hell ever since. We have two children, ages 8 and 10. I have done everything in my power to insulate them from their mother's rages, attention getting, acting out, and especially, inheriting the illness themselves. However, I think I'm behind the 8 ball in protecting my daughter.

The mother has custody. However, because mom is infatuated with making money as a CRNA, I have the children much--over 60% of the time since last Fall. She works countless 24 hr. shifts at $1000 a pop. Whenever mom isn't included in our plans, is neglected, isn't given the attention she needs, she takes it out on the kids, as always. This has been going on for years. She's not violent, but usually ends up doing something she knows I would disapprove of. She knows that if she manipulates the kids a particular way, I'll say something--she'll get her ounce of attention and be satisfied for the moment.

For example, I forgot to tell her where a baseball game was being played last week, and she was very, very angry. I knew retaliation was coming. I found out from my kids that mom rented 'The Shining' last night and it was all my daughter could do to tell me all about it. Mom knew I would never approve that this violent, R-rated movie be shown to the kids--which is exactly why she showed it. Knowing better, I didn't react. She'll likely try some other tactic.

When we used to argue about the kids, she always threatened, if I tried to get custody, that she would take them 2000 miles away and I'd be paying her $2000/month. When I ignored the threat and kicked her out anyway, that's exactly what she did. I had to take her to court to force her back to Denver from Maine. Boy did she love that attention. She returned last Fall.

Anyway, I can't keep wasting my career, all my time, and all my money protecting the kids from getting infected by their mom's illness. She absolutely cannot be confronted about anything negative, or she'll literally blow her bloody top. She is very fragile and has to be handled with kid gloves--like you're handling Nitroglycerine, or she takes it out on the kids. She doesn't know she is a borderline and always refused to get counseling in the past when we were together.

My concern is not for her, but for the kids. I am beginning to see some traits in my daughter, because mom has her doing exactly as she did at my daughter's age. Mom still acts like a three year old, but otherwise functions well at work. She is still seeking approval and attention from anyone. She is getting some attention from a music instructor where she and my daughter take lessons now. My daughter is under quite a bit of pressure, because, at 10, she is emotionally older than her mom and it's obvious that daughter feels the pressure to placate mom's need for attention. That's a huge responsibility for a ten year old, and I can tell she has found it easier just to act like mom and be her 'friend.'