QUESTION:

I have been married for 36 years with a very difficult man. I am beginning to educate myself on his personality problems that have been so hurtful and puzzling. I am angry at him for the hurt he has caused through the years. I have a since of needing him to recognize the pain he has caused. He has not been professionally diagnosed, but in educating myself on his behavior patterns, he really seems to fit the category of BPD. He is also very verbally and emotionally abusive. Realizing and being able to admit he was abusive was a huge step to my on healing. I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn't know what. I began to educate and look at the reality of our relationship. Just doing that was like stepping into the unknown for me. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster never knowing what to expect of him. I'm learning to focus on myself and take care of myself first. This has been a life-saver, but I admit that it feels strange to me. I'm learning how to act instead of always re-acting to him.

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

Your story shows why I believe so strongly in treating the BPD before disaster strikes. The principles remain the same, however. You must get all your diagnoses made and comprehensively treated. You may be chronically dysphoric, which in my experience means you're 7 days away from feeling better. It requires a week of Prozac with Tegretol added. The BPD rarely exists by itself, and treating everything is a key, along with having a formal stress plan.

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