How Do I Tell Her and Can Prayer Help?

Written by Dr. Leland Heller

QUESTION:

Dr. Heller:

In the wake of a very confusing relationship with a lovely but emotionally damaged (I learned soon enough) 28 year-old young woman, I shed deep tears of relief to find out about BPD. Everything I read on the website confirmed my experience: her verbal lashings that accompanied her cycles of rage, most of which related to hyperjealousy and paranoia about my alleged leering at other women, posters, ads, etc.; her unshakable conviction that her version of events is absolutely true and that I'm a "master manipulator" (she broke up with me six times in six weeks, each time showering me with conciliatory phone calls) and the vindictive way she would quote my friends against me. What a relief to find I'm not alone in my hurt and confusion over it all. I was starting to feel half-crazy myself, as she has an almost supernatural ability to push exactly the right buttons in me to keep me off balance.

I have four short questions: What's the best to share this information with her? Predictably, anything I say directly (no matter how tenderly) is likely to send her into yet another tantrum. I love her very much and really want to help her, but I know she needs to see it for herself and recognize the problem.

Second, do you know of any clinicians in the Los Angeles area who are skilled in diagnosing and treating BPD? I know about the psychological community's at-times inadequate or dismissive response to the illness, and really want to avoid unnecessary run-arounds with therapists.

Third, is there much hope that long term healing is possible? Assuming she agrees that it's BPD and wants help, do people suffering with BPD really get better?

Fourth, have you observed a better rate of success in dealing with BPD when therapy and/or meds is coupled with a spiritual component such as prayer? We're both practicing Catholics and wherever possible want to integrate what we believe about God's love and healing.

Any thoughts would so greatly appreciated. Great site, and great advice.

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

1) The cover of my first book "Life at the Border" is designed with your purpose in mind. Sending it anonymously is a wise choice. The front cover can be printed from this website and is an alternative. I'd be reluctant to tell her yourself.

2) I wish I had someone in LA I could recommend, but at this time I don't.

3) I definitely believe there is hope with the plan I've outlined. After the meds are right, and when the 'as needed' medications are used properly, retraining the brain becomes crucial. The more successful a person is regarding learning to be happy and successful, the more recovery will be present. The ability to recognize that he/she can't trust bad memories and interpretations is extremely crucial for successfully having a relationship.

4) I believe we're like a three legged stool - mind, body and spirit. One's spiritual side is crucial, particularly for making peace with what has happened in the past and for validating one's sense of self-worth. "Embraced By the Light" by Betty Eadie would likely be a great book for you to read - it's about a Native American Catholic woman who died and came back. I've found it to be an enormously helpful tool.

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