Does My Mother Have the BPD?

Written by Dr. Leland Heller

QUESTION:

I have had problems with my mother for many years (I am 28), and I'm thinking that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes she is great and loving and caring, compliments me, etc. She never said she hated me or anything, but there have been big fights in the past where she said I was a failure for not finding a job. (This was a few years ago). I've just been realizing lately that she is a very controlling person. I thought it was just the way a parent acts, but I've been going to therapy for the past few months and my therapist says that my mom shouldn't always tell me what to do. I think that my insecurity is mostly as a result of her criticisms. She occasionally criticizes me about my job, my apartment, my clothes, my appearance, and my weight. She also hates my boyfriend and he is never invited to anything with my family. They only live 10 miles away and I see them often.

advertisement

I love my mom very much, and have told her these things hurt me, but she basically seems to think that she isn't doing anything wrong. For example, I told her that my boyfriend asked me to marry me, and I want to say yes, and she told me how she doesn't want me to, and when I asked if she thought she was being mean, she said no. She and my stepfather try to make me think that no one else likes my boyfriend. All my friends and other family members like him. Since my mom is so erratic, I am often afraid to be with her because I don't know if they will say critical things, or if they will be nice. My mother grew up in an emotionally abusive home and is insecure. She has few friends and has problems in her marriage as well. She also has anxiety problems, has insomnia and headaches, gets panic attacks. She seems afraid of abandonment and seems to switch between acting like a fragile child and a criticizing witch.

I know this is not a lot to go on, but what do you think?

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

There are many, many possibilities. She's obviously really suffering. The front page of my first book "Life at the Border" and the back page of "Biological Unhappiness" are designed for exactly this situation - let people see themselves and choose to find out more.

next: Husband Fits BPD Diagnosis ~ back to: Borderline Personality Disorder FAQs Table of Contents