QUESTION:

I am a 50 year old woman who made friends with another woman my age on the internet a few years ago when I had to move to another state and was thus lonely for friends. For the past 3 years we have kept up a normal relationship between women friends and have met a few times in person with positive normal friendship feelings.

However, as I pride myself in being able to make good solid lasting friendships with others, I have never experienced such a difficult, confusing, and stormy relationship as this one has been. Its as if at times I was talking to two different people. I never know when the anger and blame and accusations are going to start coming at me, and I have been confused and hurt until I came across this definition of Borderline Personality Disorder. Suddenly a light went off and I believe this fits what I have experienced in this relationship except for a few things.

This woman as far as I know is the last person I would ever think would entertain thoughts of suicide. For one thing she seems to always be blameless and projects all the negative aspects of herself onto others. She seems to have no concept of how she comes across and how unreasonable she can sound. Its like a monster is living inside of her. For the most part, the monster is tame, but when it is unleashed... I feel as if I am talking to a very rude, angry, abusive, and unreasonable woman... and it makes me sad. I want to say ..." where did my friend go?"

Most of the good healthy relationships I have right now... have told me to ditch her and go on with my life. My heart doesn't want to, especially now, when I realize she could be mentally ill.

I have the strength to take the abuse, but my question to you is this..

" Can unconditionally loving and accepting and forgiving a person with this kind of disorder help them get well? I am in recovery for codependency and surely do not want to have inflated rescue fantasies of helping someone if it is futile. It breaks my heart that she has no friends, and has difficult and stormy relationships with her mother and daughter and husband. I don't want to be another failure in her list of attempted friendships... What is the best thing I can do FOR her to help her get well? "

I tried to be brief.. This is my heart. I love her like a sister and see so much potential in what I know she could be without this illness. If friendship can help at all, I am willing to go the distance.

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

No, I wish it could. It's a medical problem, similar to epilepsy. Unconditional love won't help a gangrenous gallbladder either.

Borderlines need medication and they have to learn to like and love themselves. The best thing you can do for your friend is have her look at this website and discuss it with her.

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