BPD with Schizoaffective Tendencies

QUESTION:

Hello, I was diagnosed with BPD with schizoaffective tendencies many years ago as a young adult. (I am now 31).

I never really understood what BPD meant until I starting hearing more and more about DID. I am trying very hard to find out if BPD is the wrong diagnoses, or if I have a less severe form of DID instead. I have done some research on the Internet, and have discovered that I fit the circumstances for someone likely to have a less severe form of DID. I also found out that most people with less severe forms of DID do not know they have DID at all. That got me wondering.

I have a huge number of diagnoses. Here they are: ADD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, BPD with schizoaffective tendencies, Bipolar Type 2, and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Many of these diagnoses were made many years ago and I don't know for certain what I suffer from the most, or what is correct or not correct at this time. Since I have been on Neurontin, I have been stable for about 8 months, for the first time in my adult life. :-) But there is one problem, these spells I get.

I only know that I am becoming increasingly concerned about my "phasing out" so much and "feeling like I am not here" so much, along with these spells I get when I suddenly feel like I am in dream, not reality, and have this very strong urge to fall fast asleep, even if I got 9 hours of sleep that day, slept well, and it is a bright summer day. Caffeine does not help. It is getting to the point where I am uncertain as what to do, because this is severely disrupting my ability to drive and function socially.

To make matters worse, my husband is asking questions about why I seem to be one person (reasonable, kind, happy) one minute, the next, I am different (angry, resentful, etc). Yet when this happens, I don't feel any different.

Anyway, I am terribly frightened by these "sleeping" type 'trace' spells that so often come over me lately, often when I am driving 20 or more miles on the freeway.

The urge to sleep at that time is very strong and so terrifying, I am absolutely terrified that I am going to hurt someone or myself and wreck the car. I am not abusing alcohol or drugs at all. But when these spells come over me, I get so suddenly relaxed it is like my body is asleep and my mind is struggling to stay awake, but I never went to sleep.

I need to know what is happening to me and why. It is like part of me is sound asleep, and my mind is desperately trying to convince me I am really there, not just dreaming.

When I try to convince myself I am really driving a car down the freeway at 60 mph, I go through these funny waves that wash over me (how do you describe it?) fear, disbelief, and other emotions I cannot describe. It upsets me really bad, and does not bring me out of the spell. My mind will just not accept the idea that I am awake and what it is seeing is reality. So, I will often "go along" with the idea that I am in a dream, but just in case this is real, I will behave as if it is, to be safe. I do this to survive and keep myself from panicking.

I don't feel like I am really hear right now. At this moment, I am not feeling a lot of stress. Yet I am feeling like I am in a dream state. It is not really bad; At this time, I can function fairly well. I have had this problem since I started going through my therapy for child abuse at the age of 12.

I am trying to find out what is wrong with me--everyone I talk to insists this feeling is stress induced. But the problem is that this is interfering with my safety at times. But I am the only driver in our home. So all the driving falls on me. Short distances (10 miles or less each way), are not a problem. I may not feel "really there" but it is not bad, and I function just fine.

I had an extremely traumatic and awful childhood. My father began abusing me sexually as a toddler and was not found out until he gave me gonorrhea, he gave the same disease to my mother (he got it from the hookers he was seeing). The disease almost killed me, since my immune system was so underdeveloped (most babies have this problem). I will never know how long I was being sexually abused as a baby. And that was the easy part of my life. It got worse from there.

Years later, when my father had moved the family to a secluded area, the sexual abuse started up again when I was ten, and in the meantime, I was turned into the household slave and scapegoat.

Anyway, I am hoping someone can help me figure out what all this is about. I am experiencing a huge amount of frustration and stress in my life (my 7 yr. old son is living in an abusive, neglectful, and substance-abusing environment, and I am having a hard time getting him safe--CPS and the police are being very slow to help and I cannot afford an attorney, plus my husband and I (of 6 years), are getting ready to undergo a legal separation.

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

You need to see a neurologist as temporal lobe dysfunction may be involved. Based on your story, the BPD is a likely possibility and in my opinion you are simply not on enough medications to get the stability you need. An SSRI like Prozac and Tegretol would likely make a huge impact. You clearly need all your diagnoses accurately made and treated. This sounds neurological.