BPD Diagnosis Never Explained to Me

Written by Dr. Leland Heller

QUESTION:

I was told a little over a year ago the I had borderline personality disorder, but it was never explained to me. I knew that there was something worry because for as long as I can remember I have hated myself. Why? Because of the way I feel, the way I hurt others, the anger, and so on. I have tried numerous times to kill myself and that hasn't worked. When I got angry I used to cut or burn my arm or leg. It made the anger and frustration go away. I use to love to write poetry, but if you read it now, it reflects what I felt and how I wanted to be so far from this place we call Earth.

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I don't really now how I go this, or even when it began. I have always been outgoing and I am not ugly. I am smart and I try to work hard to gain as much as I can. At first I thought that I could handle it and it wouldn't effect my adult life. Boy was I fooling myself. Having BPD makes life hard and sometime unbearable. I hate when I get angry or frustrated because it makes me feel weak and I pride myself for trying to be strong. I hate the emotional rollercoaster that I live on, because I feel that it is unfair to put the people I care the most about on the ride with me. I know they are only going to get injured. This makes me afraid to get close to anyone, and when I do, the first thing I do is push them away. That isn't fair either. That makes me just want to give up.

Sometimes I feel like the best thing to do would be pack up and leave. Stay away from the people I hurt. But that would only hurt them more. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Suicide use to sound like the way out but it isn't. A quote: " It takes far less courage to kill yourself than it takes to make yourself wake up one more time. It is harder to stay where you are then to get out." I know I don't want to be a coward. And I know that every day I make it through makes me stronger because I made it through.

I find a little piece of mind on the Internet researching and learning about BPD, but I also get discouraged because not many people know about it or understand it. But learning and living makes me know that there is hope. Hope for what I ask? I don't know. The only thing I know is it can't get much worst than this.

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

My heart ached reading your letter and letters like it. I know that you are suffering, and that it can stop. I see many, many individuals just like yourself and I know for a fact that you will respond to the right medications. What's wrong it simple - a part of your brain is malfunctioning. It's phenomenally treatable.

You do your self-destructive things for one reason only - they work to temporarily stop the pain you're in, otherwise you wouldn't do them. There is an enormous cost in terms of self-esteem however. Please study this website, the information you need is here. Take charge of your health - and things are definitely changing. I'm trying as hard as I can to make a difference in this regard, and am trying also to get information to the press. The BPD will only get the treatment it deserves when patients and their families insist upon it, as has happened with AIDS and ADHD.

next: Do I Fit the BPD Criteria? ~ back to: Borderline Personality Disorder FAQs Table of Contents.