QUESTION:

I am writing this email with a great deal of trepidation. My girlfriend of 2 years is an emotional train wreck. When we first started dating, I felt that I had found 'the perfect girl' for me. But within six weeks the emotional roller coaster began. She became very possessive. A jealous rage would occur. Over nothing. I thought she was just overly sensitive. I knew that she had lost her father to cancer when she was 9 years old. Later, I soon learned that she had been sexual abused by a step father. That her mother had physically abused her and denied that she was ever sexually abused. I felt very sad for her. My heart reached out further to her. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to help. The problem was that I soon began to be physically and emotionally attacked daily. I was confused. I was trying to help. I must be flawed. I must not be good enough for her.

My self-esteem waned. I am a professional who is considered successful by others. But my life at home was in constant turmoil. I felt like I had to walk on egg shells. I subconsciously pulled a way. She felt that I did not love her enough or at all. She would question my truthfulness. She thought I must be cheating on her. With my boss, my ex-wife, co-workers, anyone and everyone. Even members of the same sex! I would try to reason with her. These sessions would go on for hours, sometimes until 3 and 4 in the morning. Sometimes she would miss work and blame me. Though I would get up and go to work myself. I tried repeatedly to set time parameters, limits. She would have none of it. She said, "I will not be put into timeout". To get some relief, I felt I need to leave, drive in my car for a few hours to let things cool off! Again, she would have none of it. She would chase me in her car. She would try and cut me off, drive recklessly, risking not only harm to herself but to me and others.

Me leaving would only make things worse. I soon learned that she would panic with me trying to get even some time to myself. She felt abandoned. She would go into a rage, verbally and physically. She would attempt to block me from leaving. I felt like I was a hostage in my on home. Sometimes I would have to deceive her to get a way and try and keep from being hit. Unfortunately, in all this turmoil, on occasion, I have responded to her verbal and physical abuse in kind. I felt horrible and ashamed. One time, I tried to leave and she blocked the front door literally with her body. Fearing escalation, I felt I had to leave. I tried pulling her aside. She hit me on the side of the head with her fist, I forcibly pulled her from the doorway and left in my car. She called me and threatened me with calling the police if I did not come back. She did. She reported that I hit her. I was charged with a Class C misdemeanor. The case was dropped for her failing to show up in court. We went to "anger counseling" for me! The counselor thought we both had control issues. Yes I did. My life was out of control. I felt powerless. And I was.

An outsider would say, "leave her you fool". The problem is that I love her through the best and the worst of times. I feel that everyone else has abandoned her. Her son joined the navy. Her daughter lives thousands of miles away. She recently told me that she never wants to have children. She is afraid she would be like her mom. Apparently, the daughter was abused by her mom. They felt like they had to constantly walk on egg shells as children. Even now as adults, when ever they are around her. She has constantly threatened to kill herself, though has never attempted it that anyone knows of.

She can be very impulsive, constantly changing job(s), aggressive sexual moods, buying stocks aggressively, risking her life driving recklessly. She can be very irritable (what I thought was her being overly sensitive). She would than get very paranoid that everyone was out to get her. Usually, based on friends or family telling her that she was over reacting or needed help.

But the most severe problem is her uncontrolled rage. She has said many times that she is going to kill me. That I don't love her enough or never did. In fact she has told me on more than one occasion that she has never felt loved by any man since her father's death.

I started to do some research on my own. I thought she must be splitting. I thought she would split into multiple personalities. For I could not understand how one minute I could the most wonderful man in the world to her. And the next be the devil.

Then I input a Yahoo web search for "personality disorder". It led to your web site and others. I read the DSM-IV criteria for BDP. I was amazed. She had 8 out of 9. But than again I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. But at least I feel that maybe there is hope. I have tried to get her to see someone who currently treats BPD with a lot of experience with BPD. We live in Dallas, TX. However, she is in Seattle, visiting her daughter and teaching me a lesson about love. I came across a name of Dr. Linehan. Do you know of her? Is she considered an expert? Her daughter is trying to get her mom to go. But so far no good. I thought of confronting her with an intervention of family and friends. But I am afraid this could cause her to get really paranoid and she might run. What do you suggest?

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

Dr. Linehan is an excellent therapist who has a formal program for treating borderlines. She can't help someone who isn't motivated, and she can't help someone who is just visiting. I would highly recommend you get some counseling yourself, and get any and all of your diagnoses made and treated. You are acting irrationally. Her story is clearly consistent with the BPD. The most successful technique I've found is printing the front cover of my first book "Life at the Border" and leave it for her to see. It can be printed directly from this website. The person you described needs medical attention.

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