QUESTION:

I have been working on myself for a very, very long time. I was correctly diagnosed in 1987, but I am not certain that at that time I fully understood the implications, I was pretty ignorant about a great many things. In 1988, I went back to school to finish my undergraduate degree and then went to graduate school to complete a doctorate. I almost finished, but shortly before my exams in 1993, I went psychotic...big time. At that time something happened, a sort of an awareness descended into my life. At first it was just a wonderful feeling of bliss, and euphoria I had never felt...seemed to come from no where. I was training to be a researcher in political science, my focus political psychology...authoritarian systems...mostly because the definition fit me and my background and I wanted to prove them wrong. My life had always been a constant battle, during graduate school it forced my mind to change, I had to face many things inside myself. Nothing made sense...for the outsides did not make the insides...and eventually snap. I suppose this is when I learned not to respond to my internal feelings. It was an incredibly difficult, as in the beginning I was absolutely terrified to even speak in front of people, and the information was utter beyond my comprehension...let alone to think about multiple pieces of information with clarity, and to master scientific thinking, and critical thinking. I tried to finish last year again, but I simply could not get it together...and feared another break...so I quit...The program then considered me a gifted researcher...which is beyond me...since I started from so far behind...I still remain on active in the University system, as they wait for me to return...I gave no explanation...and I will most likely not return...because I don't like it any way...and the reason seems without purpose any longer.

During the psychosis, I began to experience sensations in the body, everywhere...everything you can think was happening...but I was convinced I was having a spiritual experience...an awakening...which I think is still true...an awareness happened which my mind was not prepared to receive. The story is far to long to tell. I was good and stayed on the medication for nearly 1-1/2 years except I was miserable...Depakote and Paxil...a sitting duck in this condition...over-weight...life was dark...all my higher thinking was gone...it was my refuge for my feelings...except that stopped working in the psychosis...but the sensations stopped.

In 1998, I decided to find alternative care, and tried everything from American-Indian spiritual, the real thing with Lakota healing ceremonies...I started to change the rest of my life to match my attitude toward myself...I had actually started to like myself. I stopped thinking of myself as a half-person, a broken person...I started recognizing my talents...accomplishments etc...Then the sensations started again...I went to chiropractors, massage therapists, and then the list starts to go into the bizarre again...I tried absolutely anything. My affect and personality seemed in tact, except that I kept thinking that all my pain was spiritual healing...my negative feelings being released...I am talking about real physical pain...which nearly cripples me at times. At one time it was so bad, it was as if glass was being ripped out of my heart....headaches which were surreal. I still did not know these feelings to be anxiety, panic and things I can't even begin to describe to you. In September 1998, I tried to find help for PTSD...that was a complete wash as I sat in rooms with women who were in so much fear that they could not even look at themselves in a mirror. These people knew less than me, and they willing to sit around and just feel sorry for themselves.

I tried relationships with men again, at one level they were marvelous and then at another they were devastating. For at one level I could see everything, and could even recognize that the feelings were inappropriate. I then fell in love with one man, who could not tolerate the borderline stuff that emerged...neither could I. I called the psychiatrist I had been using and he placed me on tantalizers for a short while...I did not go back. I then returned to my therapist...for I had emotionally cratered. At that time it had been six months since I worked...now it is almost one year. In January I found a Buddhist Priest to work with me who lives in England, I even went this past May, and indeed we make progress. It is all very difficult for me. Prior to my visit I believed that all this was spiritual, and the sensations were that I could sense other people...which seems to correspond at times. But after my visit, my friend, made it very clear the level of my internal sickness. That indeed my body was being controlled by anxiety, and panic...we did work through much of the post-traumatic stress stuff. I left much clearer thinking than I arrived...but the pain persists. I finally went for a medical check-up, and it was found that I had an ulcer, which was very bad...I thought that the anti-biotic would heal all that pain...I finished the regime this last Friday...I still have the pain...there fore I needed to look inside again...I find the Borderline Personality information...and I find the information on the body sensations...